It's a CRAZY world out there!

The Balance of Life

2011-09-03T15:41:00.000+08:00

For every up, there's a down.
For every smile, there's a tear.

For every right, there's a wrong.
For every success, there's a failure.

For every life, there's death.

(D, 09-03-11)

I'd like to believe in the balance of life. For all things, there is an equal and opposite force acting upon it. Kinda reminds you of Newton's Law, eh? But it's true.

Take for example, my experience with McDonald's delivery a few hours ago. Two hours has passed since I made the online delivery order, and still no knock on my door from the McDelivery guy. After 30 more minutes of starvation, I heard the knock. I complained, and made a sad face that I have been waiting for too long to eat. The McDelivery guy went on and on about his side of the story. It wasn't his fault. It was some other MrDelivery guy's fault claiming that he 'lost' the receipt.

So, the McDelivery guy that was standing in front of my doorstep said that he will talk to their manager for me and come back with whatever result. An hour later, I heard another knock at the door. It was the McDelivery guy with a free Cheeseburger! He apologized so many times on behalf of McDonald's and left me with a smile.

****

That's on the ligther side of things. On a heavier note, the real negativity in me now is weighing me down like a ton of rocks weighing a suicidal person down the depths of the sea. I have uncearthed a lot of things that has opened my eyes to what seems to be the reality of the situation I'm in. The denials, the pain, the lies and the tears. All weigh me down to the abyss of depression and heartache... yet again.

To deny me is to hurt me.
To deny me is to break my heart into a tiny million shards of glass
To deny me is to turn your back on me
To deny me is to pretend that I don't exist

Because when you deny me, you are closing the door on me and opening a window to let the others' ray of light shine on you instead.

To deny me is to deprive me of smiles.
To deny me is to shatter my ego.
To deny me is to step on my confidence.
To deny me is to pretend that I don't exist.

Because when you deny me, it means that you want others' to give you happiness that I cannot provide myself.

To deny me is to pierce my soul.
To deny me is to sink me into madness.
To deny me is to let my tears flow endlessly.
To deny me is to pretent I don't exist.

Because when you deny me, you hurt me and break my heart that I have tried so many times to patch up with duct tape. You have yet again pushed me into the darkness that I have tried so many times to get out off.
I hope to see the light shine again, even though it is tainted with lies and deceit. I hope to see the rainbow though the colors are dull and monochromatic. I hope to see the sun though it shines gray. Just let me out of this darkness called DOUBT.

Proper Writing: Mistakes to Avoid

2011-03-23T01:34:00.000+08:00

I have written a few online articles on hubpages.com. Here's one to help students avoid common mistakes in writing. Share it with your kids, your brother or sister or your students. ^_^ Or read it for yourself. ^_^

Proper Writing: Mistakes to Avoid

Look What I Found

2011-03-11T11:03:00.000+08:00

Join HubPages, where you can write about the things you know and love—and even earn money! I love getting feedback from other writers on the site, too.

Just click here to join now! ^_^

If you love to write and share your knowledge with other people, join HubPages!

Need your advice ^_^

2011-03-01T14:23:00.001+08:00

Wow! It's been a while since I last posted here. I apologize for not posting these past few weeks.. it has been a roller coaster of a ride here.

I've been planning on a life change these days.. and i'm wondering whether it's a good idea to pursue a self-made career or not.

I've started my own little video editing service, but it's still trying to get up on its own two left feet.. so everything's a little shaky. But i also want to try to sell handmade-crocheted-bracelets and bookmarks.. What's tricky here is the market.

Any advice, fellow bloggers? ^_^

A New Chapter

2011-02-01T08:53:00.000+08:00

Hello, all!

I am now starting my own freelance post production service. I edit home videos, event videos, wedding videos and corporate videos onto DVD.

Let me create a DVD to capture your memorable events!

If interested, contact me through my email: dreamersdreamworld@yahoo.com

Roller Coaster of Life.... and Dreams

2010-11-27T23:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we're up and sometimes we find ourselves going down... other times, we feel like our world has gone topsy-turvy.

Well, i think i'm in a loop now. I've been sooo down these days, but today, after meeting my friends and taking a trip down memory lane... i feel like i'm going up to a loop now cos i know that the days that follow, i would feel miserable again.

Call this a cry for help or a cry for advice... but.... any tips on how to stay focused and keep thinking positively?

MUCH LOVE to all my bloggy friends who are always there to support me when i need it. ^_^

When You Can't Accept that "He's Just NOT That Into You"

2010-11-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

Yes, I recently read that book because it was recommended to me by one of my friends. I can say that I learned a lot from it. It's a real eye-opening book, believe it or not. BUT! It's so much easier to understand what you're reading that actually applying it in real life. These are just some of what I remember and what I can relate to:

"He's just not that into you if he disappears on you"
- yes, i've had this experience and believe me.. it wasn't peachy, especially since it was one of my guy friends since we were in grade school. We dated in high school, and we dated as adults again (hoping that the 'maturity' has set in for both of us). It started out great and we got to reconnect. He even said that he loves me. All of a sudden *POOF!* he vanishes into thin air--no calls, no texts, no nothing.
- Greg (the author of the book) wrote that girls shouldn't waste their time thinking about "WHY?" because there's no other reason than "he's just not that into you"
-BUT it's so damn hard NOT to think about it because there's no closure. Of course, I wanted to know WHY?! alright, he may not be into me... but at least he could have told me straight up.

"He's just not that into you if he bullies you"
- The term "bullying" is a touchy matter. I think that you are being bullied if you are deeply offended or affected by what other people are directly saying about you or are doing to you. I'm seeing (we just had a chance for a 'real' date once but we see each other everyday at work) this guy who always calls me names. At first it was funny for me, too. But it became an everyday (nay, every minute) occurrence that it started to annoy the hell out of me. Then he started saying things about me to other people. BUT when we're alone, he couldn't keep his eyes and hands off me.
- Greg said, that these kinds of guys are insecure and should be avoided at all costs because any guy who bullies a girl would just not be that into the girl.
-BUT if you've already fallen hard for this guy, it's hard to detach your feelings from him. Yes, we started out fine and he just progressed into this name-calling machine. My feelings are already grounded and it's hard to pull them out.
- This guy also seems to not care AT ALL about how i feel. He used to be ok.. but now, he just doesn't show that he cares. He even ignored me today and acted all "i-don't-give-a-damn-care-about-what-you-do". AND he started messaging other girls on Facebook, calling them 'honey' or 'sweetie' or commenting on photos and videos of other girls with 'HOT!' or "you're pretty".

SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

There are guys out there who are plain and simple COWARDS. Instead of being a real man and telling me how they feel straight up, they simply vanish into thin air or try to hurt me (possibly hoping that I would go away). Well you know what? Too bad that they're cowards. When I like somebody, I like them from the heart. And if they're too stupid to realize how much love i can give them, then it's their loss. It's CLICHE, i know.

It's so easy to write all this down, but i can't seem to apply what i've written in real life. Right now, i'm overcome with mixed emotions of anger, confusion and pain. I so want it all to be ok. I want me to be ok and strong. But in reality, deep inside i'm crumbling into millions of tiny pieces--again. I want to know why. WHY? Am I that ugly that they just keep running away as soon as they get close to me? Now, that makes me even more depressed.

Rudeness Won't Get You Anywhere

2010-11-13T13:47:00.001+08:00

A few weeks ago, a popular Korean actress, Lee Da Hae, appeared on a KBS talk show where she was asked to imitate different accents. This included the American English accent and the British English accent. One of the hosts suddenly asked her to imitate the Filipino English accent.

This is where she made the most horrible mistake.

She imitated it in a way that infuriated the Filipinos--including me. Watch the video below and see why. We Filipinos DO NOT talk like that. We are a talented and educated bunch who had learned to speak English in schools since we were young. Although English may not be our first language, we understand and can speak English.

Lee Da Hae needs to learn her lesson that what she did was very rude. This little video clip has just tainted her popularity here in the Philippines.

Congratulations, Ms. Lee Da Hae, you no longer have a fan base here. You might not have heard about Claire Danes' rude comments about the Philippines years ago when she visited to film "Brokedown
Palace".

"Danes was quoted in Vogue as saying that Manila was a "ghastly and weird city."^[1] She further remarked in Premiere that the city "smelled of cockroaches, with rats all over and that there is no sewage system and the people do not have anything — no arms, no legs, no eyes."" (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brokedown_Palace#Controversy)

Since then, Danes' popularity has gone down the drain.

You see what happens when you are rude to other people?

Please feel free to share your thoughts about this.

Positivity!!! Bring It ON!!!

2010-10-17T16:11:00.000+08:00

Last thursday, I have felt SOOOooo down in the dumps... thinking about how routine my job is, thinking about this guy who has been really messing with my mind... thinking about the upcoming 10 year-high school reunion we're gonna have... thinking about how my life has changed in the past 10 years.... the stress, the problems... etc.. etc....

I text messaged my best friend about all this and she replied with a high positive energy thursday night. So.... i thought to myself... you know what, she's right. I create my own problems, i have to look at the greener side of the fence. I have great friends whom I recently went on a weekend getaway with last week, at least I have a job, I have my health, I'm surrounded by great food and great people.

So, thursday night, I slept thinking that I should wake up with a better outlook on life. Lo and behold, Friday morning, no matter how stressed out I was about this guy and no matter how I had to drag my feet to get to work.... I had on a smile on my face and happy thoughts in my head.

I had a great Friday.

Saturday.... I still had positivity... I had a great day with my sister, too.

Sunday... I'm still thinking positive and I still have a smile on my face. Putting a smile makes me feel like I've lifted a ton off my shoulders!

POSITIVITY!!! I LOVE it!!!

To hell with stress! To hell with denials and untruthfulness!! I'm thinking about ME! It's ME time! ^_^

To my girls whom I went on a weekend getaway with, I luv ya! Thanks for easing my stress away with our super hot nature walk around the park that seems to have been forgotten by the government. Thanks for the late-night talks and making me realize my mistakes.

Here's what i learned:

A mini-vacation (or not so mini) is NOT about WHERE you go... it's about WHO you're going with. ^_^ and my girls are the best ones to go on a mini trip with!

Who Cares?

2010-09-25T23:05:00.002+08:00

Other people don't know
What I feel for you inside
They can't even try to fathom
The burning cessation in my heart.

Who cares about them?
They are neither you nor me
What matters most is us
What matters most is us!

She can't possibly feel
The way I feel for you
She can't give you
What I can give you

I'd give you the world
If you let me
I'd give you my heart
If you'd only accept it.

Who cares about the other guys?
Younger or older
I certainly don't
When I have you beside me

Other guys can't make me smile
The way you do
They can't make my heart beat
Faster and slower at the same time

Who cares about what other people think
When all I care about is you?
Who cares about what I feel?

...certainly, it's not you...

Impossibility

2010-09-20T00:29:00.001+08:00

This is it...
I've fallen into something
I couldn't get myself out of.

There's no looking back
I'd be lying to myself
If I say, I'd never like you.

I might just be stuck in a coma
And dreaming this whole thing up
But my heart can't lie, I've fallen for you.

Here I go again
With unrequited love
Why do I keep punishing myself?

Falling for someone who can't be for me
Forcing something to happen
When it's an impossibility.

At night, my eyes burn
With tears of longing to be in your arms
At night, I close my eyes and dream

Dream about the impossibility
That I could ever be for you
I hurt knowing the truth.

You push me away
Yet I keep hurting myself
Trying to hold on to the sharp end of the knife.

My demented heart, it beats for you
But you just let me be
Ignoring the fact that there could be

...a possibility...

What Is Love?

2010-09-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

Earlier today while sitting idly at a Thai restaurant with friends and family waiting for our food to come to our table, my eyes happen to set upon an elderly couple. To some people, they may just be some random couple. But my eyes, glazed with unrequited love, saw something else.

The elderly couple was tenderly holding each others hands as the man, with the feeble steps of age, led the strikingly charming woman towards the glass doors of the restaurant. They smiled at each other when the man couldn't open the door and the waitress had to open it for them. Their eyes sparkle when they meet each other's gaze and the man softly puts his wife's small hand into both of his as they slowly walk hand in hand into the restaurant.

That, to me, is true love. Love tested by age, experiences, trials and tribulations. Love which, no matter how long they've been together, flames never die.

I tweeted about this, too. About how nothing makes my heart happier than seeing an old couple doing the smallest thing like holding hands but with a lot of love in their hearts that reflect in both their eyes.

I wish upon wish and I hope upon hope that someday, I find someone who will be with me for the rest of my life, through ups and downs, through smiles and frowns. I want to find that special someone who will count every wrinkle and every gray hair with me and still would be able to tell me, "you're the most beautiful and special woman I've ever met".

Forgive me for being a sap, a hopeless romantic.... but right now, my eyes are glazed over with unrequited love because stupid cupid couldn't hit him with his arrow.

Going Crazy In Love

2010-09-18T15:19:00.002+08:00

What can I do?
I've fallen for someone
Who couldn't possibly be for me.
He's there; I'm here so we can't be as one.

We're of different worlds
With different minds
And of different hearts.

But I can't help but fall
For his charms (at times)
For his smile
For his unexpected hugs and kisses

There's something about him
I couldn't quite grasp
I don't know anything about him
But I just couldn't keep my hands off him.

I get jealous when he looks at others
I get jealous when he talks about other girls
I get jealous when he wears that shirt

I don't know a single thing that runs in his brain
Yet I can't help it; I've fallen for someone
Who can't possibly be for me

...Simply because he doesn't want me to be his...

If I Could..... I Would...

2010-09-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

Found this writing prompt on one of the "learn English" sites I stumbled upon while trying to look for activities for my students.. So, I thought I'd give it a whirl. Try it, you might just be surprised at what comes up on your list!

1. If I could afford to rent my own apartment already, I would have a freakin' party every night.

2. If I could afford to buy my own car, I would go out and finally attend friends' birthday parties and get-togethers and reunions and stuff like that...

3. If I could go to Italy, I'd PROBABLY marry an Italian man.

4. If I could have my own way, I'd be happy.

5. If I could fly, I'd go to Italy to see the sights

6. If I could get my dream job, I'd be a video (or even better--film) editor.

7. If I could turn back time, I'd go back a few years ago when I WAS a video editor.

8. If I could go out at nights (presently), I'd probably still have my PR writing job til now.

9. If I could tell someone how I feel, I'd hurt his feelings.

10. If I could just get out now, I'd scream cos this someone is annoying me now through text while I'm writing this post! grr..

**In summary: If I could just get my own way, I'd finally feel independent, I'd have my own place (and car, hopefully), and I'd be able to be with my friends!.

BUT life is unfair... life let me taste a little freedom for four long years while I was at the university far far away from home, but now that I'm back home, the umbilical cord seemed to magically tie itself back again.

CURSES!

Stress Much?

2010-09-01T23:25:00.000+08:00

How do you guys deal with stress?

I'm stressing out about a lot of things in my life--work life and personal life combined. See, the thing is, one aspect interferes with the other (and vice versa). It's a vicious cycle that never seems to end.

My friends tell me that to get rid of stress, you have to get rid of the root cause of it. Hmm... in my case, it's hard to pinpoint exactly which is the root--work or personal life?

Stress from work is normal and I think I can handle that more than the stress in my personal life (which includes family, love (or the lack of it), friends, etc.. etc..) With work, I deal with stress by laughing at things. If I make a mistake or if there's a student who gives me a headache with all his/her never ending questions, I just smile and explain again...and again...and again....

As for the personal life... everything is in shambles... I'm confused, I'm troubled, my mind is spinning in a vortex of worries, high hopes and shattered dreams... I need to try to make it stop. I find absolutely no laughter in my personal life. I need to find myself, but outside forces pull me back thinking that i'm more "sheltered" if they don't let go of me. I'm gonna go berserk! I want to saw off that short leash they tied around my life!

If I were a bird, my wings would either be clipped by now or stunted its growth to a full wing span.

So, I ask you again, how do you deal with stress?

Crochet Mania

2010-08-14T13:52:00.002+08:00

I haven't been visiting my blog for quite some time now... not because i have been depressed... i'm SO over what happened.

Recently, I have found another creative outlet. CROCHET! Here's a photo of what I've made so far. I've been creating crocheted bracelets with beads.

These babies are so easy to make~ thanks to FutureGirl~!!

I started making this as therapy to my boredom and it ended up a craze for my female students. They absolutely went gaga over it. So, I gave it to them as presents. They're so easy to make and they make great gifts or giveaways.

I love it!

Next crochet adventure: Beaded Purses... hmmm??? ^_^ OR crocheted earrings! aahhH~ the opportunities and creative possibilities are endless!!!

Life as a Wheel

2010-07-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

Life is like a wheel...
Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down
At times you feel like your going around in circles
Doing the same old routine every single day
Life can also get wear and tear
A scratch and some dirt
A few bumps on the road
Maybe even a nail.
We get punctured, then sealed
And we're good to go again.

Life's like that...

Mine has absolutely nothing exciting going on.
I'm a wheel stuck in the mud
While all the other wheels are passing me by...
Stuck and alone with no one to push me

Maybe, just maybe, given the right push
And the right set of mind,
I can go again.

But I'm too deep in the mud
Feeling too down to move
I'm starting to give up hope
Maybe I'll be stuck here forever...

When the frown turns upside down...

2010-07-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

I'm happy to share that I am feeling much better now. I still think about him, but that's normal..part of the process..a stage..

He, meanwhile, has completely vanished into thin air from my life... What can I do? Nothing, of course. I am not one to mess with fate--if it's not meant to be, then so be it.

I have found healing in the most unusual place: work and kids.

As an ESL teacher, it's not hard to be amused by young innocent kids who usually make mistakes using their newly acquired English words. Take for example my 12-year-old boy student who recently learned the words: garage, hangar, and depot, to name a few.

Last week, the students had their vocabulary test wherein they had to use their words in grammatically correct sentences. When the test papers were returned to us, the teachers, I couldn't help but giggle when I saw what my student wrote:

"My mother HANGAR my t-shirt."

Good job, my student... good job for making me laugh lifting my downtrodden spirit. ^_^

Also, my 10-year-old girls surprisingly became really close to me. Playfully joking around with me, playing catch with me, telling me stories and even hugging me after the day is over!

Curiouser and curiouser....

Life seriously never fails to mystify me...

Out of Sight, Out of Mind? ...Not Quite!

2010-06-20T14:07:00.000+08:00

It's been three weeks since I saw him or received a text message from him. I'm beginning to wonder... was it all a dream? Did I just imagine the whole thing? Was I so caught up with my little fantasy of my relationship with my best friend since we were 13 years old blossoming into something more than just a puppy love?

Maybe...

Or maybe I've turned into Twilight's Bella Swan when she would keep having fantasies of her vampire boyfriend stopping her from doing something stupid (Twilight Saga: New Moon)...

Whatever it is, I know this is for sure: It's confusing, it's hard, it's frustrating...

My heart skipped a beat when we first started "dating"... it got bigger and tender when he said, "I love you".... but now, it's just sitting on the floor, shattered into tiny million pieces and I'm too tired to pick it up for I know that it will just be shattered once again....

So, i decided to cut my hair.... a total change... I wanted to have another cartilage ear pierce, but decided against it. A total physical change was what I needed, I thought... still didn't help....

I would heal, I know it... when? I have no clue. How? Maybe watching FIFA world cup would help and ogle over Higuain (#9 Argentina Team)... it would be a great distraction, but in the back of my mind, the pain is still there.

How could he do this? After he said that I was special? That I made him happy? LIES! Niether sticky tape nor duct tape can mend what is broken inside me now.... I may be happy on the outside, and stick a stupid smile on my face and go about my daily life... but inside, I'm as hollow as the rabbit hole Alice fell in...

At a Loss for Words... or Text Messages...

2010-06-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

After over a month of late-night calls and seemingly unlimited sugary-sweet text messages from this certain guy in my life, all of a sudden *POOF* the calls and text messages vanishes without a trace into thin air.

What's up with that? Don't go all "He's Just Not That Into You" mode! I read that book and yes, he is in one of those categories: he's 'the guy who is already in a relationship'. BOO!

Yes... yes... I know what kind of silly trap I got myself into. I fell into his charms and went blind all of a sudden. But now that I've managed to pull myself up to see the light, I know that what I did (or even about to do, most likely) was wrong... way wrong.

I can go on and on about the error of my ways, but I'd rather share the roller coaster ride of emotions I went and still am going through.

First, there was happiness in me. Who would've thought that the guy I've been best friends with and liked since we were 13 years old, would be the guy that I'd finally be able to spend more time with as "more than friends"?

Then, there was guilt. I always thought, "I'm hurting his girlfriend in the process" or "What if I were the girlfriend, how would I feel?"

Then there was nonchalance and the b*tch-attitude: "It's not my problem" or "I'm getting what I want anyway" or "sorry, 'girlfriend' but he's spending more time with me...score!"

After that, there came jealousy: "Why isn't he coming during lunch anymore?" "He's spending more time with her now!!" or "He's too busy with her now, I hate her!" or "what does she have that I don't?" and sometimes, "he's doing more stuff with her! Eww!"

Then came bitterness: "If he'd rather spend more time with her, then good riddance!" or "I'm prettier than her..."

Now there is sadness: "....how come he doesn't pick me?" "is there something wrong with me?"

But slowly, there's acceptance, hope and confidence: "I was able to live and be happy before all this happen, so I can just go back to being happy with my friends" and "If it's not meant to be, I won't force it" and "We're still friends, and if that's the way it should be between us, that that's the way it will be"

Honestly, I'm still jumping from one emotion to another. I still haven't set a firm foot on the last emotion... but it's there sometimes....

OY! the pickles I get myself into! Thank God for good friends! I share everything with them and they are able to put a smile on my face and laughter in my heart, you know who you are! ^_^

To my bloggy friends or (Friend), thanks for taking time to read this post. You are the best !!

MUCH LOVE!

ps: have you or anyone you know ever been in this position before? What did u do or say?

Life: A Written Essay

2010-06-09T22:32:00.001+08:00

I saw this quote on Bob Ong's Twitter page. Bob Ong is a Filipino author who is witty and sensible.

"hindi pala exam na may passing rate ang buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification... kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw." - Bob Ong

Translation: Life is not an exam with a passing rate. It's not a multiple choice exam or identification exam... instead, it is an essay that is written everyday."

This is SO true. Life IS an essay exam that is written everyday. We write our lives, make mistakes, revise it, and continue to write it. We don't know what our conclusion will be... yet. However, all of us are the writers of our lives. Some intertwined, like two stories meshed together in one. Sometimes we don't know it, but we have the same story as another person.

We, as the writers of our lives, try to make it as colorful, lively and interesting as much as we can. Moreover, like a good essay... we want to share our stories to other people, and they in turn, love to listen to our lives--no matter how full of bursts of laughter or sadness, they are all colorful lives.

I am still feeling a little bit miserable about everything that's going on (well.. NOT going on) in my life. However, I try to pull myself out of this depression pit by reflecting on life.

Yes, I do believe I'm feeling existential right now.... Think about your life, too. Isn't it a story waiting to be told..shared? I guess that's why we have blogs, huh? ^_^ I'm currently trying to write a short story based on a tiny part of my life.... and this involves a certain guy! hmmm?? ^_^

Bob Ong... if, by chance, you're reading this.... that one quote of yours definitely made me reflect on what I'm writing in (or for) my life these days. Bakit ba kasi napaka hirap ng buhay at mag hanap buhay dito sa atin? At bakit ba napakahirap ng public transportation natin? Ang labo!

Dare I translate what i said? Ok.... I just said, "Why is life and work so hard in our country? And why is our public transportation so difficult? It's weird." <--That's what I said.

Yes, I am a Filipina... Damn proud to be one, too. What with all the corruption and pollution we have here, Filipinos still find a way to smile and laugh at everything that's going on. It's almost our Independence Day, the day we celebrate our independence from the Spanish regime (which by the way greatly influenced us).

Life.... is a mystery
Life.... is a challenge
Life.... is complicated
Life.... is fun when lived to the fullest.

So, let's all write and live our life essays to the fullest~!!

Thanks to all my bloggy friends for all the support you give me, especially during my down moments.

MUCH LOVE!

When On A Roller Coaster Ride of Life....

2010-05-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

Life has a funny way of toying with us. Do you think that we control our lives? Or our lives control us? I have no idea, actually. What I do know is this: Life can sometimes be bittersweet...

I've been teaching English to Koreans again after my very short stint as a writer. I always remember the old adage, "When life throws lemons at you, make yourself a lemonade".

How true! This current job of mine is a serious lemon in my life, however, my students--especially the funny and kind ones--make me glasses of lemonade each day. One of my students cannot pronounce "bored" correctly. One day, he complained to me.. "Teacher! I'm BOH-RED!" ^_^This 18-year old young man has a playful mind of a 6-year old (same energy, too!)

One of my younger students always tell me make-believe stories during class time. One day, he told me a story about him climbing up Mt. Everest in 2 seconds! Faster than Superman, who did it in 4 seconds, who, by the way, is also his older brother! His younger brother is Iron Man! ^_^ He's a cute, chubby 12-year old who calls me a "witch" or "skeleton" as a joke and I call him a " silly jester" (two of his new vocab words for this week) ^_^

Little things like these can put a smile on my face. As long as the students are pleasant.

In another part of my life.... I've been "seeing" this guy for more than a month now. He's really nice and we've been friends since we were 13 years old. He was even my prom date when we were 16. Years passed and we both went separate ways after high school. After 11 years, we're back to hanging out with each other again--coffee, dinner, ice cream, or simply just talking about the ups and downs of life. The ultimate lemon, which is also the most sour, in my life: He has a girlfriend!

I know we can't have everything we want in life. I try to be a good girl so good things will happen to me. But try as I might, my ideal setting...my ideal world...my ideal life... will just remain that: IDEAL.

So, here's what I will incoherently ramble on: Dreamers dream... Players play... cycle of life! Ups and downs... bittersweet... lemons = a big pitcher of lemonade!

*sigh* as you can see... everything that's happening to me recently has taken a toll on my coherence. So, I'll end this post here, before i ramble you to boredom. ^_^

remember: "When life throws lemons at you, make yourself a lemonade!" YUM! ^_^

Is this what they call "Quarter-Life Crisis"??

2010-05-12T13:50:00.001+08:00

All these emotions! I can't keep up with it!

As I've shared before, I'm now back to teaching english to koreans... and I am so NOT driven! I've been thinking that maybe this isn't my passion... this isn't what i'm supposed to do...

Five years ago, I used to work at a television station as an intern, then progressed to being a production assistant... then went up doing video editing and various production jobs. I even got a job as a wedding video editor and I loved it! ....I miss it. See, here's the thing... I used to work in California... now, I'm back in my home country and the television stations here are MILES away from where I live...and i don't have a car... and it's a nightmare taking public transportation here. seriously!

How i wish i could find my dream job in production again... it was so much easier to find work in California... really!

I still like writing and I'm going to try my hand in freelance writing for magazines. Though i know, i'm bound to get tons of rejection letters... that won't stop me from writing. I'm wondering if I go international?? hmm?? hehe ^_^

MUCH LOVE to my bloggy friends... you girls are always there for me!!! ^_^

In a Rut, with a capital R

2010-05-06T23:47:00.000+08:00

What a roller coaster ride of a week it was--still is--for me!! Too many things happened in such a short span of time!

First of all... like I've shared in my previous posts, I was able to get a job as a PR writer... well... that quite didn't work out as well as I thought it would! Because of my personal family schedule, I'm not able to attend events related to what I'm writing... so.. do the math and figure out what happened there!

Second, a friend got me in for a teaching job AGAIN. I'm so sick of teaching but that's the only thing left for me to do... as of now... SUCKS!

Third... a close guy friend of mine since grade school is trying to make his way back into my life and trying to take our friendship to bloom into something more.... I do like him.. and he does like me... the only problem is that he is currently in a relationship with another girl! Ay, caramba!! It's like a soap opera! I told him that it won't work out and that we should remain friends as for now. So far, we're doing ok. We hang out as friends and we talk about random things like friends do...

Aaagh!! My head is spinning in circles.. I have no idea what's happening to me! I have no idea what to do.... :( all i know is that it sucks to be me right now. Sometimes, I want to evaporate into thin air...

When Panic Attacks!

2010-04-24T23:07:00.001+08:00

Just this Friday, I attended my first client meeting with my supervisor and another co-worker. I felt anxious and I almost had a panic attack. I'm not used to meeting with BIG named clients since this was my first one EVER! I've dealt with individual clients back in the day when I was a wedding video editor. But BIG named clients? Never!

So this is me before the meeting: internally panicking as I helped prepare the communications plan for public relations articles, eating less than normal during lunch as I had butterflies in my stomach, sweating and drinking too much water that I had to pee right before we left. We had to take a cab to the location of the meeting and unfortunately for us, the cab's air conditioning broke down not even half way there! So we had to crack the windows open. The temperature outside: 34 degrees Celsius/93.2 Fahrenheit!! It felt like a freakin' sauna in that cab!

Anyway, when we got to the location, we quickly tried to fix our hair, and wipe off the sweat on our foreheads before we met with the client. The meeting was a breeze and I didn't even have to say anything at all! *whew!*

Now, my personal problem is... I'm becoming overwhelmed with the work because they're trying to give me multiple clients when I am still trying to feel my way through one! Remember: I've NEVER worked in public relations.

My plan: email the direct boss and say exactly how I feel. Risky, but I can still risk it as I am still in probation. Actually, my initial plan was to either fake an illness or go AWOL. Both bad ideas.

See, here's thing: I can sit down in the office and write drafts for articles... I can add ideas to the communication plans... BUT, for some reason, I can't do it for multiple clients! I was even too anxious for the first meeting. I might have social anxiety disorder... I'm not professionally diagnosed, but there's a big possibility that I do have it. I can sit and work in my little cubicle space in the office without anyone bothering me. I live in my own little writing world when I'm in my office space.

Oh well.. we'll see how it goes...
by the way, *whispers* add Nestle whole grain cereal, like Fitnesse, in your diet to keep you healthy! *wink*

So... Now What?

2010-04-21T00:27:00.000+08:00

Officially, today was my second day at my new job. Yesterday, on my first day... I went in and much to my surprise, the bosses weren't there and my new co-workers didn't even know that I was going to come in on that day!

Well... they quickly gave me a tour of the office and introduced me to all the people (which I can't remember all their names! *shame*) and the IT guy set me up with an email account and set up my own PC cubicle station.

Then.. for the whole day on my first day, I did absolutely NOTHING! I surfed the web, pretending to read about our clients for 8 hours! Seriously, and this is no joke.. I could literally feel my brain turn into a rotting pile of soupy mush as I sat there staring blankly at the pc screen.. then out the window.. then back at the screen... then daydreaming... then finally counting down to "closing time".

SECOND DAY! which was today... in the morning, they made me edit client profiles. Took me about 30 minutes, but I decided to stretch it out to 3 hours (up until lunch time) why? I didn't want my brain to turn into slush again. At least I was doing something. ...After lunch, the boss came back.... with TONS of work for me to suddenly do! Edit this article... write about this.. summarize this... transcribe this...

OK! one at a time, please! I haven't finished anything today, so I just have to continue tomorrow... of course!

So... the first day, my brain turned into slush... and on the second day, it was forcedly put to work all of a sudden! But, don't get me wrong... i do think it's going to be a fun job.. (how i hope! ^_^)

Let's just see what happens next....

Counting Down to a New Beginning

2010-04-13T22:52:00.000+08:00

In less than a week, I will say 'adios' to my freelancing job and say 'hello' to my new regular, normal, go-to-the-office job. Yes, I accepted the job offer and yes, my anxiety level is still shooting through the roof.

Everyday, I try to pace myself and try to breathe normally. So, when I wake up every morning ever since I decided to accept the job--even though I'm anxious beyond my anxiety limit--I try to think to myself: "this is a new beginning with new possibilities! I can do it!"

Yes, I've come to the point where I have to psych myself! But, here I am.. about to take the plunge! My sister tells me I look like a goldfish about to swim with the piranhas. I tell her, it's ok! Those piranhas will teach me to act like one! and she says, "unless they eat you first." So, at night, i think to myself: "Piranhas or sharks, I will take the plunge and dive head first and survive! Yes, I can!"

Public relations writing... Though I have absolutely NO idea what that is, besides the fact that I will write about a certain product/client, I will just GO AHEAD with it! Dealing with the public... honestly, I am shy. If i could crawl into my shell, i would.. but NO! I would face the world and meet and greet new people (who knows, my prince charming might be one of the people I would meet in this new job!). Teamwork? I'm all for it! Let's go! I can do it!

Well.. let's just find out what happens... til then, I will try to keep my anxiety level on a normal scale... though it's peaking now! YIKES!

New beginning.. here I come! ^_^

A Window Opens

2010-04-07T15:42:00.000+08:00

You know what they say, "When one door closes, another one opens".
I've been feeling BLAH about my freelance job as an english tutor mainly because it's irregular. I knew that when decided to do it and thought, "hmm.. this will just be temporary"... well... i've been doing it for more than 2 years and it's STILL irregular!

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling bummed out about my so-called job and was almost going to declare it as the "lowest of the low points in my life".

A simple text message changed it.

One night, my friend sent me a text message asking if I already found a "normal, regular" job. I simply replied, "nope". She asked me to email her my resume and a writing sample. So I did!

A few days later, I received an email from the company she's working at. It read: "Please come in on Monday, April 5, at 10am for an exam and interview". WOW! I though, "is this it? is this the answer to my prayers and all my complaints about how my so-called freelancing job is boring and stagnant?"

I went in on Monday and took the writing exam (which I finished in 30 minutes!) I was interviewed and my interviewer said, "I'm impressed with the way you write articles! I have to talk to my boss about you and we'll give you a call within the day"

I went home, had lunch, played my nintendo DS (yes, i have one! I'm such a video game dork, really). In the middle of a racing game, my cellphone rang. Darnit! That call just made me crash my car! "hello?", i answered. "Hi this is _______. I read your resume and your article, please come in tomorrow for a follow-up interview"

So I did! I went back tuesday and the boss talked to me and said, "I'm impressed with your writing skills! I want you to work with me with ______ account!" She handed me a contract and I'm due in the office in about 2 weeks from now.

Now.... I haven't signed the contract YET! She gave me a week to ponder and decide about the work load, the job description, the benefits and such. Everything looks good... my only concern is: I'VE NEVER WORKED IN PUBLIC RELATIONS BEFORE.. EVER!! AND I'VE NEVER WRITTEN FOR PUBLIC RELATIONS/PROMOS... EVER!!!

I'm scared, anxious, jittery about all this. Don't get me wrong, I'm psyched about having a "regular, normal" job (plus, my friend works there, too!). I'm just having all these mixed emotions about the job itself. What if I screw up? What if I make mistakes? What if they realize that I'm not such an impressive writer after all??

All these concerns, fear and anxiety circle in my head! I can't even sleep well at night after those two interviews.

Please help? I just need a little push...

I always think that this is a great opportunity.. there's a reason why my freelance job is stagnant and bland these past few weeks... it's because something out there is better.. and it's waiting for me.... now i think, "can i really be brave and jump in a pool full of sharks and tame them?"

Sticky Notes of Thoughts

2010-04-02T17:59:00.000+08:00

The Persistent Heart: A Short Story

2010-03-22T23:08:00.002+08:00

(Original/fiction)

Once there was a girl with a heart as big as it could be. She loved to hear her heart flutter as she looked at something that was pleasing to her, like a beautiful Dali painting at a nearby museum.

One day, as she was walking along the park eating an ice cream cone, her eyes happened to wander towards the eyes of a charming man with beautiful green eyes. Her heart started beating loudly and felt as if it wanted to jump out of her chest and run towards him.

She dropped her ice cream cone because her heart sent shivers through her arms as it beat louder and faster.

He smiled.
She smiled back.

She sat down on the bench and tried to regain her composure. She coyly tucked her hair behind her ear and flashed a hint of a smile. She saw him walking towards her! Her heart beat faster and faster.

He was getting closer... and closer...

"HI!" came the sultry honey-smooth voice of the man.

She lifted her head so she could reply back with her gorgeous eyes ONLY to see that he was walking toward a DIFFERENT GIRL!!

She was embarrassed! She remained on the bench sitting there with a blush of embarrassment on her cheeks.

The couple walked away as she breathed more evenly and her heart relaxed. She was about to leave when she heard somebody sit beside her. She looked with curious eyes and saw a man with deep-brown eyes and alabaster skin.

Her heart started beating fast again.
At first she thought that her heart was beating TOO loud. She then realized that her heart was hearing the nervous beating of his heart as well as they sat there and got to know more about each other.

It's in the Way You Look at Things

2010-03-19T10:16:00.000+08:00

Today, I woke up with the ~~annoying~~ serenade of birds outside my ~~dirty~~ window. I ~~closed~~ opened my ears to the ~~piercing~~ beautiful songs of the birds as I ~~groggily~~ slowly open my eyes to ~~face~~ take in the new day.

I'm ~~dreading~~ looking forward to what's in store for me today. I'm sure to meet a lot of people who will ~~be rude~~ smile and nod a simple 'hello'. I also know that my ~~little monster~~ student will give me ~~a headache~~ something to think about during the day. Like, for example, how to ~~discipline him~~ calm a hyper 10-year-old-boy with ~~some sort of punishment~~ patience and soothing words... sometimes even a joke or a funny anecdote will do. He's ~~trouble~~ innocent happiness bundled in a little ~~monster's~~ boy's body. At the end of the day, I'm sure I'll have ~~a ton of stress~~ a smile on my face and ~~bonk myself on the head~~ be proud of myself about how I handled today's ~~horrible~~ life's challenges.

What a ~~depressing, tiring~~ wonderful, sun-shiny, great day it will be!!

It's almost the weekend!! Happy Weekend, everyone!

MUCH LOVE!!

A Little Bit Goes a Long Way

2010-03-16T13:43:00.000+08:00

Have you been feeling down in the dumps lately? Trust me, you are not alone. My blog will have a slight make-over and change slowly in time to offer help and inspiration to everyone through stories I’ve heard, or stories that I’m going to personally write (fictional or non-fictional).

I, honestly, have been feeling like I’m riding the roller coaster of life with too many twists and turns—sometimes I’m up; sometimes, I’m down. We all experience that. That’s why we need each other to lend a helping hand, especially during those times when we feel like we weren’t given our share of happiness.

All we need is a little help from our friends and a little inspiration, which can go a LONG way. Often times, when I feel down, I turn to my pen and any piece of paper I can get my hands on (sometimes even tissue paper!) and start writing a poem or a short story and let my emotions control the pen to write words that express what I feel inside. After that, I email it to a close friend of mine and let her read my stories/poems and she gives me feedback. It makes me feel a whole lot better. Why? For one, I was able to get all the negative feelings off my chest and onto a piece (sometimes pieces) of paper. Two, a friend’s kind and uplifting comments give me the strength I need to hold my head up high when it’s slowly slacking down with stress.

The next time you feel down, try a little creative outlet. Try writing! You just might surprise yourself at how much you want to get off your chest via writing! And don’t think that you’re not “creative” enough to write! Everyone can write because everyone has a story or a feeling inside just waiting to get out. And remember, you are not alone. Your friends are a phone call away, and I am just a click away. ^_^

Chicken Soup, Anyone?

2010-03-10T00:31:00.000+08:00

Before we start..
Check out these new bloggy sites!!

RANDOMNESS
NOTES FROM BENNETT ST.

welcome them to SITS and show them some SITStah love! ^_^

************************

Anyway, we all know that chicken soup is great for us when we're sick with the cold or fever or flu. Did you know that chicken soup also releases "happy hormones" when you're depressed? Yep! One of my mom-students told me this fact. Interesting, isn't it? It has the same effect as eating chocolates when you feel sad, stressed, or way bummed out. ^_^ (mmm.. chocolates...the darker the better..)

Recently, the same mom-student told me that she will lend me her book. I was surprised to see what it was the next day... CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL!! We are all familiar with this series of books, right? Years ago, when I was in high school, I've collected and read Chicken Soup for the teenage soul (I and II), for the Pet Lover's Soul and for the College Soul. All of these books have made me feel better and showed me a glint of hope and encouragement that I badly needed that time.

Now... I'm reading 4th Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul (the one my mom-student let me borrow) and the stories have (like before) moved me to tears, put a smile on my face and showed me positive light. I recommend this book to everyone! Not just those who need a "feel-good" book... but really the stories are heart-felt, touching and real. Most importantly, it reminds me that there are a lot of good, kind-hearted people out there in the world.

Sunday Morning

2010-03-07T11:21:00.002+08:00

AAaahhhhh.... It's Sunday!! What better way to dispose of your unwanted stuff like old clothes that make you look like Winnie the Pooh when you try to squeeze yourself in it or jeans that are torn not because it's a style but because of wear and tear AND earning a little moolah out of it than having a... GARAGE SALE!!

What a tiring morning it was for us! We held a garage sale and in less than an hour sold out EVERYTHING!!

People are funny when you hold a garage sale. We said a specific time, 9:00 AM on the dot!, and they still went 30 minutes to an hour early!! seriously! here are some of the things I heard while we were selling:

"It's 8:30, can you open now?"
"We're melting under the sun!"
"Are the rugs for sale?" (No, because we just washed them and they're OURS!)

Then, we announced (albeit we already said it on our ad), "We don't have appliances or electronics or furniture for sale." This is what they said after:

"Is the table for sale?
"Is the mosquito zapper for sale?"
"How much for your electric fan?"
"how much for your clothes rack?"

People are so persistent sometimes especially when they see good deals! haha! I had a major headache from all the people coming near my table and asking me to my face, "discount, please!!"

However, the garage sale was a success! It's surprising what people would buy! Truly, "One man's trash is another man's treasure!" Someone even bought my OLD book by R.L. Stine..those Fear Street series!! Anyone remember those series of books??

WHEW!! Now... I'm just gonna relax, sip my coffee, read amazing blogs, listen to Taylor Swift and just enjoy my Sunday

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, everyone~!!

LOTSA LOVE!!!

A Great Day for LOVE

2010-03-05T08:39:00.006+08:00

Again... MUCHO THANKS and LOTSA LOVE to all my SITStahs and the Welcomistas! I'm still trying to personally post thank you's on everyone's blog. If I wasn't able to comment on your blog recently, wait for it..it will be there one of these days~ ^_^

SO... I want to share something with you girls.. As I was flipping through a woman's magazine in a salon one day, I found this and just had to take a photo and share it with you:

"How to be politically correct with women" Seriously, I was laughing my ass off with my sister while we were reading this! ^_^

By the way, I will put up a new page again soon along with my "RANDOM THOUGHTS" page up there if you see it beside the "home" link. Do check it out once I posted it! ^_^ Also, be sure to check out my old posts if you have time.

Forgive me for rambling and digressing to different topics here on this post but I have too much in my mind right now that I want to share with you all. I talked about some of my ultimate favorite movies in previous posts. I just remembered about Moulin Rouge and now I'm thinking... what would happen if real life were a MUSICAL?? ^_^ I wonder how that would be? Say, you're stuck in traffic and you jump out of your car and break out into a song and dance number?

By the way, I just want to share this with you as well.. I'm currently digging the vocal chords of Adam Lambert in his CD, For Your Entertainment. I especially LOVE his song, "Whataya Want From Me".

LOTSA LOVE!!!

LOTS OF THANKS~

2010-03-02T09:56:00.004+08:00

WOW!!! i was overwhelmed with all the comments and welcomes my fellow SITStahs posted here!! I'm still working on posting personal thanks on everyone's blog!

WHEW!!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH~

mucho thanks to WELCOMISTAS for putting my very simple blog on their list of "newbies".

I LOVE YOU ALL!!! thanks for putting a smile on my face... i really need some smiles and love especially these days... i'm having quite a "quarter-life" crisis wherein I still don't know what to do with my life!!

So again, to EVERYONE in the SITStahood.... LOTSA LOVE!

*HuGz*

A Momentary Flashback

2010-02-22T22:55:00.002+08:00

Recently, I had a flashback of memories from my university days. It made me wonder about the friends I've made, the people I've met and talked to, and the boys (of course) that captured my eyes and my heart. Where are they now?

I went to a university halfway around the globe from my country a few years back. I've met A LOT of interesting people, most of them became my friends while I was there. However, as the yearS passed by, and I went back to my part of the globe, I can't help but think about them, especially since I've lost touch with most of them.

True, there's facebook, and I've reconnected with my best friend who now lives a Pacific Ocean across me and even with my ex-boyfriend... the guy I dated... and the guy I had a crush on, but some of the wonderful people I met aren't even there! Here's a snippet of my momentary flashback:

- I had this professor who was about 32 years old when I was around 21. I admit, I had a HUGE crush on him and got all A's in his class. Funny thing was, I always asked him questions about the lesson even though I understood it completely. I even asked him if he wanted to watch a concert with me! haha! I was shot down, but that didn't stop me from admiring him and his greenish/grayish eyes, his trimmed and well-taken cared of goatie that he always played with and his tall, handsome physique! I wonder what he's doing these days?

- I met this guy in one of my english classes. He told me he was a Marine. We really hit it off and became friends. We studied together... well, not studied seriously... ok, we talked a lot in the library until we got scolded for it by the librarian. We took pictures together and he even helped me with a project of mine for a different class. He's a really good guy, cute, too! After one semester, I didn't see him around school anymore. Sad thing now is, I can't remember his name!! :( I still have our photo together (He's SO handsome!) ^_^. I want to reconnect with him, I just don't know how/where to begin. What with me being a forgetful person with names!

- There was this girl I met who was really kind to me on my first few weeks of my university days. She showed me around and always invited me to eat lunch with her, which i graciously accepted. We were great friends for one semester. I wonder how she is now? Again, I can't remember her name. :( What a friend I am!!

There's a lot more, but I won't bore you, my reader(s), with them. I just wanted to share these thoughts and memories with you because, I'm pretty sure you've met great people in your lives that you couldn't forget. Even if you were just with them for a short period of time, they made an impact that could last for years to come. We may forget their names, but their faces and the memories we shared with them will never fade away.

Was I IN love with you?

2010-02-15T22:30:00.005+08:00

One of my very good girl friends just asked me... "what's the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone?"

She brought up this question when she asked me about this guy I used to date years ago. Things didn't go well between me and him and we ended up being good friends. She asked me if I loved him and if I was depressed after the "break up".

I told her, well.. I loved him but I wasn't IN love with him.

The difference, I told her, was this:

I loved him because I cared for him and I wanted his company most of the time. I loved him because he was always there for me when I needed him. I loved him because of the way he held my hand as he led me towards the cave by the beach. I loved him because he took care of me always wanted to see me happy.

I kinda knew I wasn't IN love with him because my love for him wasn't growing. It stayed the same. When we kissed, I didn't feel sparks and I didn't feel any passion no matter how torrid the kiss was. We held hands most of the time, but the only heat I could feel was the normal human body heat being exchanged and my palm was sweaty not because I was nervous or giddy with delight but because it felt naturally warm inside his warm hands. No feeling.

But I tried to be IN love with him. It didn't work. The feeling was mutual and, unfortunately, he beat me to telling the truth. He said, "I think we should just be friends". My heart hurt, naturally. The feeling of rejection pained me like a thousand arrows shot through my heart. He actually said afterwards, "You're a great girl. The world needs more people like you". (Which to this day, I still don't understand why he said that!)

I told him I wanted to be alone, and he respected me. I love him for that. It took me a week to heal. A week full of walking by the pier by myself and watching the sea lions play. A week full of coffee. A week full of train rides going particularly nowhere then coming back home.

A week later, he asked me out for dinner. I accepted graciously. We talked as friends. I love him for this. He talked about the other girls he dated and I talked about the boys I dated. We laughed. I love him for this. We both knew that we were great as friends and that's how it will always be. We had our moment, at least we tried. I love him for that.

I love him as my best guy friend and I will cherish the memories we had, both good and bad. I can really say, I love him but I'm not IN love with him and I know it goes both ways.

Someday My Prince Will Come

2010-02-08T22:56:00.003+08:00

Why do my days seem boring and unproductive lately? I went out during the weekend, and each time I went home, I just felt empty again.

On Saturday, I went out to grab a bite to eat and sip a cup of coffee with good company. On the way home, I had to ask my sister to stop by the nearby clinic because my bladder was about to burst (what with all the iced-tea, water and coffee that i drank!). Lucky for me, after I unloaded my bladder, I was able to talk to the handsome single doctor I've had my eye on since last year. We talked about relationships and here's what he had to say:

He said, he couldn't find the time to search for someone to start a relationship with. We told him that he shouldn't "look" for the girl who would be lucky enough to have him. We also told him that there's always one woman for every man and vice versa; the only part that's difficult is finding each other in this crazy world we live in. I heard in one game show that "you shouldn't be sad/depressed that you haven't found the one for you yet because, he, too, is sad and depressed that he hasn't found you yet".

Made me think, hmm, if I am to bump into "the one", I need to go OUTSIDE! However, I've lost all interest in going out because of certain circumstances that has rolled into a big ball of complication, depression and confusion. Somehow, even if I know I didn't start it, I get blamed for creating the big ball of confusion myself.. that I "trap" myself in it and it's up to me to break free. How can I break free when every time I try, they yank me back in?

It's my birthweek, and my only wish this year is that I find the courage (and the finances) to break free AND pull away with all my strength from their tight hold around my neck.... that, and I wish for my prince to come and save me from it all.

"Children of the Revolution"

2010-02-01T22:43:00.006+08:00

Before I start writing this post, for those who follow me and read my posts, I think you would also enjoy this blog Check it out! She is one blogger who has the uncanny ability to share her insights with the world ^_^

Back to me... I've still been feeling down these days. Last night, I watched my favorite movie, "Moulin Rouge" (2001). It always reminds me that, in this world, we have to believe in beauty, freedom, truth and above all things, we must believe in love..

Earlier today, one of my adult students (a mom) asked me,

"when are you getting married?".

This is one question that has been haunting me since I came back to my home country. Frankly, I don't know what to say. At first, I thought it was funny and just walked away with a smile on my face. However, after almost 4 years of being single, I don't find any humor in it at all. It pains me, though i don't show it, every single time they ask me,

"how come you don't have a boyfriend?" or
"why aren't you married yet?".

It pains me, then it irritates the hell out of me. I usually respond with,
"If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be single right now"

Every time I feel down in the dumps, at the end of the day, I go up to my room, pop Moulin Rouge in my dvd player and watch it. I could literally say the lines and sing the songs with them. I know it has a tragic ending, but the love between Christian (Ewan McGregor) and Satine (Nicole Kidman) is beyond description. It's a love that goes deeper than the word itself. A love that goes beyond the limits of this world.

And that's what I believe in.

Call me a hopeless romantic (or just hopeless) but LOVE is the only thing I hold on to. Yes, it's one of the causes of my cycles of depression, but when I'm out of my funk, I remember that if I believe in LOVE, I can get through anything. No wonder it's my favorite movie of all time.

LOVE is out there for me.
LOVE is what keeps me alive.
LOVE is not just from a boyfriend or a husband,
LOVE comes from your friends, family and even pets
LOVE is everywhere you look.

There's this elderly couple I always see around the park who is always together. They are already in their wheelchairs and are being pushed by their nurses--a male nurse for the elderly gentleman and a female nurse for the elderly, yet beautiful, lady. They don't talk to each other or at least I don't see them do, they can't hold hands anymore, even. Nevertheless, the way they look at each other while their nurses wheel them slowly around the park and stop only to eat their packed snacks or watch kids play soccer, their eyes are written with LOVE all over.

I won't lie... I am still DREAMING that the perfect guy for me would come out of nowhere, sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to happiness.

Yes, I am a DREAMER... a hopeless romantic...

Happy month of love, everyone!! hope yours is filled with special love with your family, friends and of course your significant others!! ^_^

I hope I find mine soon because I'm not getting any younger!

As the "Children of the Revolution" in Moulin Rouge said, "Believe in beauty, freedom, truth and love"

Who Am I?

2010-01-25T21:44:00.004+08:00

With so many things going on in each of our lives, it's easy to lose yourself in this crazy world we live in. I have seem to be wandering around aimlessly in this journey called "life".

Who am I? I am a woman.. a teacher.. a daughter.. a sister.. a friend.. a dreamer.

What does it all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm able to call myself a lot of things, but I still don't know who I truly am and I still don't know which path to take as I come across crossroads in life.

A friend told me recently that I should think about "What is there FOR me?" as opposed to "What is it I WANT?" So, I asked her, should I leave it to fate? She answered:

"No, leave it to faith."

Faith could be a lot of things. Spiritual faith helps us gain perspective in this world full of inexplicable matters and events. Faith could also be our self-confidence, our faith in ourselves. If you believe good things will happen to you, then it will.

I wish I could listen to myself, but it's just so darn hard with everything going on. I feel the need to get away and search for myself but certain circumstances won't allow it to happen. I feel like I've strayed toward a quicksand of depression and got sucked in, half in the deep and half still seeing light.

I want to share a short poem that I personally wrote which can probably sum up the way I feel. I wrote this in my quiet office as my emotions controlled the words that my pen furiously wrote on a piece of scrap paper (this will be the VERY first time I publish one of my many poems for the public eye to see, so any comments or critiques would be deeply appreciated)

Darkness

Wandering these dark alleys
In the streets of life
I have found no one
Who could ease my strife

Lost and alone in the darkness
I have come to miss the light
Darkness envelopes me
As I fight to search for light

I'm blind in the dark
No smiles nor glee
I've forgotten happiness
But I long to see

I know there is light
Beyond the darkness, I see
A way out to the other side
In hopes of completion, I seek..

..I dream, I search, I wander..
...I wish, I hope, I could, I WILL!

-dreamer01-21-2010-

Optimism is the Key ... right??

2010-01-18T23:22:00.005+08:00

Recently, I've been feeling completely BLAH! No other word could describe it--this feeling of uselessness or not being able to completely do--let alone KNOW--what I need to do with my life. My idle mind has been filled with negativity: I've been single for four years; I don't have a stable job; I rarely see my old friends from college; everyone's engaged or married except me and so on. It's been really hard on me as I got sucked in the darkness of loneliness and depression. However, with a little help from my closest girls, I am slowly building up my positive energy.

Taking it one day at a time really helps. Focus on "today". The past is the past and can never be lived again, so no need to dwell on it. Don't worry about the future either for the future hasn't even happened yet! Focusing on "today" helps you gain perspective on yourself. ...I know, easier said than done, right? I try to remember this as I slowly, but surely, get out of the dark, deep pit that I've dug with my own problems.

Talking to your closest friends about how you feel and pouring your heart out to them helps A LOT. I confide my feelings with my best girl friend and she helps me see a glint of positive light. Even though we are now an ocean apart and half the globe away from each other, when I tell her how I feel via chatting services or email, her encouraging words feels like she just gave me a massive hug. Sometimes, however, when I log out and go back to my bed, I feel empty again. These are the times when I try to mentally recall our conversations and our time spent together way back when we were both still studying in the same school.

Encouragement from your best buds goes a LONG way. But I have to start looking at myself and telling myself the very same positive thoughts I share with my troubled friends. Easier said than done. Really. I really hope I can get out of this dark, negative cloud I'm under and really get out in the sunshine. Even right now, I'm having a hard time trying to keep this post on a more positive light. Something inside me is screaming, "how can I possibly be able to shed a positive light on this post when I don't even have my own personal sunshine?!" My mind is torn right now. Half of it remains in the dark and half of it wants to get out towards the light.

Optimism.
Optimism.

That is my new year's resolution. Cross out all the negative thoughts as soon as they come, otherwise, they will spread like wildfire.

I am now on a quiet, personal journey toward positivity. I hope I can make it out of this dark cloud of loneliness that always try to drag me back in...

Smile and the World Smiles Back

2010-01-04T22:34:00.004+08:00

It's true! I repeat this phrase in my head over and over again. Everyday, I try to put it into action. Sometimes, I feel like coming up to a random person and greet him/her like I've known him/her for years! But, my shyness takes over and besides, strangers aren't taken lightly in this world anymore! SO, I just try to offer simple phrases, and simple smiles and see how they would react. Most of the time, I get a smile back, but there are times when my smile goes unnoticed. Here are a few instances (good and bad):

~~ A week ago, I went to a well-known pharmacy and bought some vitamins. The clerk who assisted me looked like she hasn't slept in a week! She looked tired and moody. A bad combination right before the new year rang in! She assisted me and got me what I needed. When she handed me my change, I gave her a huge smile and said, "Thanks! Have a happy new year!" Guess what, I saw her face light up and a smile crept up her face like it was itching to come out the whole day and she replied back with a "Happy new year, too, ma'am!"

~~On new year's eve, I went along with a friend to the gas station to have her car filled up, there were gas boys scrambling around and telling each other how they don't get any vacation since they work at a gas station but all the gas boys seemed happily joking around. The security guard working there, however, seemed just the opposite: he seemed sullen. I thought, "hm, he's a good target for "'smile and the world smiles back!' challenge". So, as he stood on my side of the car, he assisted my friend driving out of the gas station and I waved at him and yelled, "happy new year!" before i closed my window. Unfortunately, he remained as sad as before. Not even an inch of a smile...

~~A few weeks ago, at our favorite coffee shop, I opened the door for an elderly man as I was going out. He actually wanted ME to go out first! But that meant, that the door would close behind me and he looked a little frail to be opening a door by himself. I insisted that he came in first. He gave me a huge smile and the most sincere "thank you" i've ever received in the longest time! I couldn't help but smile at him and say, "No problem, have a good day!"

Simple things.. Simple gestures... but they mean a lot! I urge you to take the challenge!!

"SMILE AND THE WORLD SMILES BACK!"

see how many smiles you get back! you may even be surprised yourself. Don't get discouraged when you don't get a smile back, though! Then, tell me all about it! Post it as a comment or email me your story at the email address posted on the sidebar. ^_^

Life Lessons I've Learned from Our Dog

2009-12-29T23:00:00.004+08:00

Dogs are lovable companions. We teach them discipline and tricks like "fetch!" or "shake hands", but we can learn something from them, too if we step back and really 'see' what they have to offer. Here are a few things I got from ours:

1. Simple things--like chasing your own tail--bring great pleasure

2. Be loyal to those who care for you and care about you

3. Shake your tail (-feather) when you're happy!

4. Look forward to seeing the people who love you every single day

5. A simple pat on the back shows you care

6. Food is most delicious when given to you with love

7. Be patient and you will be rewarded

8. Do what's good and there will be no punishment

9. Play and enjoy life like there's no tomorrow

10. Express joy loudly "WOOF!!!"

11. Be there when someone needs your company

12. Eat when you're hungry... Sleep when you're tired

13. Enjoy the present

14. Listen with sincere eyes

15. Sitting silently together for long periods of time means a lot more than talking for long periods of time

16. Save something for later use

17. Hide something you don't want other people to touch/play with

18. Express anger ONLY when absolutely needed

19. Be wary of strangers

20. Love the people who love YOU!

Our Mental Video Camera

2009-12-28T22:40:00.003+08:00

This is something I wrote in Oct 27 ‘09.. I've added more to it as I share it with you through this blog...

Time and memory could easily play tricks on our minds. What seems to have happened yesterday in our minds could have had happened 10 years ago in reality. Our memories are strong and powerful, especially the cherished ones. If you really think about it, the events that happened more than 10 years ago are still fresh in your mind. Our most-cherished memories will never fade away.

My mind is filled with memories of 5-10 years ago. Once in a while they pop out of my head and an instant replay is played inside my mind. These are the few times when I suddenly go physically blank as I silently watch the deluge of images play inside my head. Somewhere between five to ten years ago, my mind had mentally captured—like a video camera on auto record—scenes from events and happenings shared with friends and loved ones. Now, my mind seems to be on auto-play as well. I often catch myself watching my mental video camera as it plays scenes from high school dances and events like it happened yesterday. Sometimes, however, it plays scenes from my days in San Francisco. Honestly, my mental video camera often catches me off-guard. I don’t know why, but most of the time, it plays even while I sleep and I watch it through my dreams.

I think one reason our brain auto-records such events is because our brain knows that we want to cherish the good memories for the rest of our lives. Like our very own video camera without having to lug around the extra equipment needed—lights, tripods, mics, etc—our brain automatically captures the highlights of our lives. However, unlike video tapes or dvds, our mental storage box never fades away, never gets scratched and the film never gets stuck to the cartridge. Most importantly, we don’t need a television set or a player to watch it.

***

I have actually caught myself staring blankly into space as I watch random memories from the past auto-play in my mind. Most of the time, I am able to select chapters of my life and usually I try replay the good stuff over and over. It's a good thing I cannot scratch it like a mere dvd!

Come to think of it, my mental playback of the past comes with a certain feeling long-forgotten by time. When I have an auto-playback of some parts of my life, I can feel the happiness, the laughter, the pain and the tears again--like reliving them one more time.

It's a good thing that, most of the time at least, my mental video camera plays back the good stuff. That first kiss with that special guy... that date at the restaurant with a really great view of the city... the way I suddenly said "HI!" to my now best girl friend... the times lounging around downtown on a lazy day... getting together with college friends and forgetting we all had financial problems... the hustle and bustle of working in a television station... getting yelled at on the very first hours of production by a director who hugged me tightly on my last day at the set and begged me not to go... graduation... first day at "real" work (ie: 9am to 5pm)... all the good stuff... just the good stuff.

This is our very special Mental Video Camera. Unique, different to each person. Special. Something we should all cherish and be careful not to delete anything! Each memory (good or bad) is something special in our lives... a lesson, perhaps? or simply a reminder of who we really are.

Picking Up the Pieces

2009-12-21T23:44:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. It's been three or four years since I last saw you. I still remember that day when you simply waved as I walked away. Not even a single tear trickled down your face--a face that I have loved and known every contour of.

We have been apart this long and I still cannot accept the fact that you have moved on. It still pains me to know the fact that you were able to simply turn your back, walk away and find another woman to love. I have seen the photos posted on Facebook for the world to see. I see that you are actually smiling with her in the photos. I took a step back in my mind and a sudden gush of realization hit me--you never smiled in the photos that were taken three or four years ago--the photos of us together shows you with your lips in a tight line. That wave of realization suddenly felt like a jackhammer was forced upon my chest. I can't believe it.

I guess I should have seen the clues three or four years ago when we were still together. I now realize as another tsunami of realizations hit me that I guess you never really cared that much for me when we were together. Do you remember that night you got so drunk that I had to walk you home and plop you down on your couch while your roommates stared at you in disbelief? I had to walk home by myself at 2:00AM! More than that, you completely forgot about what you did the next morning. Though you apologized, I still felt hurt and neglected.

You never even cared about our separation after graduation. You simply had to go back home and I had to (as you told me) "toughen up" for it. What the hell did that mean anyway? You never knew how much it hurt me, like someone was ripping my raw heart out of my chest with his bare hands, when you walked away with your bags in hand.

Why was I so stupid not to see those? I guess I was just madly and crazy in love with you back then... stupid fool, now, after all these years, this realization hit me like a rock on my head. What can I do now? Nothing because the past is the past and I cannot change it. I just learn from my mistakes and hope that I never repeat it again. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm happy you're happy with her, but I am going to tell you this: we were not made for each other; I see that you are happy with her (you ARE actually smiling in the photos with her!) so maybe you are better suited with her in the first place.

Our meeting was by chance and we both learned something from it. I will not hold a grudge because that won't do me any good. Instead, I will accept fate with grace and be happy knowing myself more and more as I search through the damage and pick up the pieces I've left behind three or four years ago--pieces that you have left on the floor without a second glance.