The Balance of Life

For every up, there's a down.
For every smile, there's a tear.

For every right, there's a wrong.
For every success, there's a failure.

For every life, there's death.

(D, 09-03-11)

I'd like to believe in the balance of life. For all things, there is an equal and opposite force acting upon it. Kinda reminds you of Newton's Law, eh? But it's true.

Take for example, my experience with McDonald's delivery a few hours ago. Two hours has passed since I made the online delivery order, and still no knock on my door from the McDelivery guy. After 30 more minutes of starvation, I heard the knock. I complained, and made a sad face that I have been waiting for too long to eat. The McDelivery guy went on and on about his side of the story. It wasn't his fault. It was some other MrDelivery guy's fault claiming that he 'lost' the receipt.

So, the McDelivery guy that was standing in front of my doorstep said that he will talk to their manager for me and come back with whatever result.  An hour later, I heard another knock at the door. It was the McDelivery guy with a free Cheeseburger! He apologized so many times on behalf of McDonald's and left me with a smile.

****

That's on the ligther side of things. On a heavier note, the real negativity in me now is weighing me down like a ton of rocks weighing a suicidal person down the depths of the sea.  I have uncearthed a lot of things that has opened my eyes to what seems to be the reality of the situation I'm in.  The denials, the pain, the lies and the tears. All weigh me down to the abyss of depression and heartache... yet again.

To deny me is to hurt me.
To deny me is to break my heart into a tiny million shards of glass
To deny me is to turn your back on me
To deny me is to pretend that I don't exist

Because when you deny me, you are closing the door on me and opening a window to let the others' ray of light shine on you instead.

To deny me is to deprive me of smiles.
To deny me is to shatter my ego.
To deny me is to step on my confidence.
To deny me is to pretend that I don't exist.

Because when you deny me, it means that you want others' to give you happiness that I cannot provide myself.

To deny me is to pierce my soul.
To deny me is to sink me into madness.
To deny me is to let my tears flow endlessly.
To deny me is to pretent I don't exist.

Because when you deny me, you hurt me and break my heart that I have tried so many times to patch up with duct tape. You have yet again pushed me into the darkness that I have tried so many times to get out off.
I hope to see the light shine again, even though it is tainted with lies and deceit.  I hope to see the rainbow though the colors are dull and monochromatic. I hope to see the sun though it shines gray. Just let me out of this darkness called DOUBT.

When You Can't Accept that "He's Just NOT That Into You"

Yes, I recently read that book because it was recommended to me by one of my friends.  I can say that I learned a lot from it. It's a real eye-opening book, believe it or not.  BUT! It's so much easier to understand what you're reading that actually applying it in real life. These are just some of what I remember and what I can relate to:

"He's just not that into you if he disappears on you"
- yes, i've had this experience and believe me.. it wasn't peachy, especially since it was one of my guy friends since we were in grade school.  We dated in high school, and we dated as adults again (hoping that the 'maturity' has set in for both of us). It started out great and we got to reconnect. He even said that he loves me. All of a sudden *POOF!* he vanishes into thin air--no calls, no texts, no nothing. 
- Greg (the author of the book) wrote that girls shouldn't waste their time thinking about "WHY?" because there's no other reason than "he's just not that into you"
-BUT it's so damn hard NOT to think about it because there's no closure. Of course, I wanted to know WHY?! alright, he may not be into me... but at least he could have told me straight up.

"He's just not that into you if he bullies you"
- The term "bullying" is a touchy matter.  I think that you are being bullied if you are deeply offended or affected by what other people are directly saying about you or are doing to you.  I'm seeing (we just had  a chance for a 'real' date once but we see each other everyday at work) this guy who always calls me names. At first it was funny for me, too. But it became an everyday (nay, every minute) occurrence that it started to annoy the hell out of me. Then he started saying things about me to other people. BUT when we're alone, he couldn't keep his eyes and hands off me.
- Greg said, that these kinds of guys are insecure and should be avoided at all costs because any guy who bullies a girl would just not be that into the girl.
-BUT if you've already fallen hard for this guy, it's hard to detach your feelings from him.  Yes, we started out fine and he just progressed into this name-calling machine. My feelings are already grounded and it's hard to pull them out.
 - This guy also seems to not care AT ALL about how i feel. He used to be ok.. but now, he just doesn't show that he cares. He even ignored me today and acted all "i-don't-give-a-damn-care-about-what-you-do". AND he started messaging other girls on Facebook, calling them 'honey' or 'sweetie' or commenting on photos and videos of other girls with 'HOT!' or "you're pretty".



SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

There are guys out there who are plain and simple COWARDS.  Instead of being a real man and telling me how they feel straight up, they simply vanish into thin air or try to hurt me (possibly hoping that I would go away).  Well you know what? Too bad that they're cowards.  When I like somebody, I like them from the heart. And if they're too stupid to realize how much love i can give them, then it's their loss. It's CLICHE, i know.

It's so easy to write all this down, but i can't seem to apply what i've written in real life.  Right now, i'm overcome with mixed emotions of anger, confusion and pain.  I so want it all to be ok. I want me to be ok and strong. But in reality, deep inside i'm crumbling into millions of tiny pieces--again.  I want to know why. WHY? Am I that ugly that they just keep running away as soon as they get close to me?  Now, that makes me even more depressed.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind? ...Not Quite!

It's been three weeks since I saw him or received a text message from him. I'm beginning to wonder... was it all a dream? Did I just imagine the whole thing? Was I so caught up with my little fantasy of my relationship with my best friend since we were 13 years old blossoming into something more than just a puppy love?

Maybe...

Or maybe I've turned into Twilight's Bella Swan when she would keep having fantasies of her vampire boyfriend stopping her from doing something stupid (Twilight Saga: New Moon)...

Whatever it is, I know this is for sure: It's confusing, it's hard, it's frustrating...

My heart skipped a beat when we first started "dating"... it got bigger and tender when he said, "I love you".... but now, it's just sitting on the floor, shattered into tiny million pieces and I'm too tired to pick it up for I know that it will just be shattered once again....

So, i decided to cut my hair.... a total change... I wanted to have another cartilage ear pierce, but decided against it. A total physical change was what I needed, I thought... still didn't help....

I would heal, I know it... when? I have no clue. How? Maybe watching FIFA world cup would help and ogle over Higuain (#9 Argentina Team)... it would be a great distraction, but in the back of my mind, the pain is still there.

How could he do this? After he said that I was special? That I made him happy? LIES! Niether sticky tape nor duct tape can mend what is broken inside me now.... I may be happy on the outside, and stick a stupid smile on my face and go about my daily life... but inside, I'm as hollow as the rabbit hole Alice fell in...