The Balance of Life

For every up, there's a down.
For every smile, there's a tear.

For every right, there's a wrong.
For every success, there's a failure.

For every life, there's death.

(D, 09-03-11)

I'd like to believe in the balance of life. For all things, there is an equal and opposite force acting upon it. Kinda reminds you of Newton's Law, eh? But it's true.

Take for example, my experience with McDonald's delivery a few hours ago. Two hours has passed since I made the online delivery order, and still no knock on my door from the McDelivery guy. After 30 more minutes of starvation, I heard the knock. I complained, and made a sad face that I have been waiting for too long to eat. The McDelivery guy went on and on about his side of the story. It wasn't his fault. It was some other MrDelivery guy's fault claiming that he 'lost' the receipt.

So, the McDelivery guy that was standing in front of my doorstep said that he will talk to their manager for me and come back with whatever result.  An hour later, I heard another knock at the door. It was the McDelivery guy with a free Cheeseburger! He apologized so many times on behalf of McDonald's and left me with a smile.

****

That's on the ligther side of things. On a heavier note, the real negativity in me now is weighing me down like a ton of rocks weighing a suicidal person down the depths of the sea.  I have uncearthed a lot of things that has opened my eyes to what seems to be the reality of the situation I'm in.  The denials, the pain, the lies and the tears. All weigh me down to the abyss of depression and heartache... yet again.

To deny me is to hurt me.
To deny me is to break my heart into a tiny million shards of glass
To deny me is to turn your back on me
To deny me is to pretend that I don't exist

Because when you deny me, you are closing the door on me and opening a window to let the others' ray of light shine on you instead.

To deny me is to deprive me of smiles.
To deny me is to shatter my ego.
To deny me is to step on my confidence.
To deny me is to pretend that I don't exist.

Because when you deny me, it means that you want others' to give you happiness that I cannot provide myself.

To deny me is to pierce my soul.
To deny me is to sink me into madness.
To deny me is to let my tears flow endlessly.
To deny me is to pretent I don't exist.

Because when you deny me, you hurt me and break my heart that I have tried so many times to patch up with duct tape. You have yet again pushed me into the darkness that I have tried so many times to get out off.
I hope to see the light shine again, even though it is tainted with lies and deceit.  I hope to see the rainbow though the colors are dull and monochromatic. I hope to see the sun though it shines gray. Just let me out of this darkness called DOUBT.

Roller Coaster of Life.... and Dreams

Sometimes we're up and sometimes we find ourselves going down... other times, we feel like our world has gone topsy-turvy.

Well, i think i'm in a loop now.  I've been sooo down these days, but today, after meeting my friends and taking a trip down memory lane... i feel like i'm going up to a loop now cos i know that the days that follow, i would feel miserable again.

Call this a cry for help or a cry for advice... but.... any tips on how to stay focused and keep thinking positively?

MUCH LOVE to all my bloggy friends who are always there to support me when i need it. ^_^

When You Can't Accept that "He's Just NOT That Into You"

Yes, I recently read that book because it was recommended to me by one of my friends.  I can say that I learned a lot from it. It's a real eye-opening book, believe it or not.  BUT! It's so much easier to understand what you're reading that actually applying it in real life. These are just some of what I remember and what I can relate to:

"He's just not that into you if he disappears on you"
- yes, i've had this experience and believe me.. it wasn't peachy, especially since it was one of my guy friends since we were in grade school.  We dated in high school, and we dated as adults again (hoping that the 'maturity' has set in for both of us). It started out great and we got to reconnect. He even said that he loves me. All of a sudden *POOF!* he vanishes into thin air--no calls, no texts, no nothing. 
- Greg (the author of the book) wrote that girls shouldn't waste their time thinking about "WHY?" because there's no other reason than "he's just not that into you"
-BUT it's so damn hard NOT to think about it because there's no closure. Of course, I wanted to know WHY?! alright, he may not be into me... but at least he could have told me straight up.

"He's just not that into you if he bullies you"
- The term "bullying" is a touchy matter.  I think that you are being bullied if you are deeply offended or affected by what other people are directly saying about you or are doing to you.  I'm seeing (we just had  a chance for a 'real' date once but we see each other everyday at work) this guy who always calls me names. At first it was funny for me, too. But it became an everyday (nay, every minute) occurrence that it started to annoy the hell out of me. Then he started saying things about me to other people. BUT when we're alone, he couldn't keep his eyes and hands off me.
- Greg said, that these kinds of guys are insecure and should be avoided at all costs because any guy who bullies a girl would just not be that into the girl.
-BUT if you've already fallen hard for this guy, it's hard to detach your feelings from him.  Yes, we started out fine and he just progressed into this name-calling machine. My feelings are already grounded and it's hard to pull them out.
 - This guy also seems to not care AT ALL about how i feel. He used to be ok.. but now, he just doesn't show that he cares. He even ignored me today and acted all "i-don't-give-a-damn-care-about-what-you-do". AND he started messaging other girls on Facebook, calling them 'honey' or 'sweetie' or commenting on photos and videos of other girls with 'HOT!' or "you're pretty".



SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

There are guys out there who are plain and simple COWARDS.  Instead of being a real man and telling me how they feel straight up, they simply vanish into thin air or try to hurt me (possibly hoping that I would go away).  Well you know what? Too bad that they're cowards.  When I like somebody, I like them from the heart. And if they're too stupid to realize how much love i can give them, then it's their loss. It's CLICHE, i know.

It's so easy to write all this down, but i can't seem to apply what i've written in real life.  Right now, i'm overcome with mixed emotions of anger, confusion and pain.  I so want it all to be ok. I want me to be ok and strong. But in reality, deep inside i'm crumbling into millions of tiny pieces--again.  I want to know why. WHY? Am I that ugly that they just keep running away as soon as they get close to me?  Now, that makes me even more depressed.

Impossibility

This is it...
I've fallen into something
I couldn't get myself out of.

There's no looking back
I'd be lying to myself
If I say, I'd never like you.

I might just be stuck in a coma
And dreaming this whole thing up
But my heart can't lie, I've fallen for you.

Here I go again
With unrequited love
Why do I keep punishing myself?

Falling for someone who can't be for me
Forcing something to happen
When it's an impossibility.

At night, my eyes burn
With tears of longing  to be in your arms
At night, I close my eyes and dream

Dream about the impossibility
That I could ever be for you
I hurt knowing the truth.

You push me away
Yet I keep hurting myself
Trying to hold on to the sharp end of the knife.

My demented heart, it beats for you
But you just let me be
Ignoring the fact that there could be

...a possibility...

Out of Sight, Out of Mind? ...Not Quite!

It's been three weeks since I saw him or received a text message from him. I'm beginning to wonder... was it all a dream? Did I just imagine the whole thing? Was I so caught up with my little fantasy of my relationship with my best friend since we were 13 years old blossoming into something more than just a puppy love?

Maybe...

Or maybe I've turned into Twilight's Bella Swan when she would keep having fantasies of her vampire boyfriend stopping her from doing something stupid (Twilight Saga: New Moon)...

Whatever it is, I know this is for sure: It's confusing, it's hard, it's frustrating...

My heart skipped a beat when we first started "dating"... it got bigger and tender when he said, "I love you".... but now, it's just sitting on the floor, shattered into tiny million pieces and I'm too tired to pick it up for I know that it will just be shattered once again....

So, i decided to cut my hair.... a total change... I wanted to have another cartilage ear pierce, but decided against it. A total physical change was what I needed, I thought... still didn't help....

I would heal, I know it... when? I have no clue. How? Maybe watching FIFA world cup would help and ogle over Higuain (#9 Argentina Team)... it would be a great distraction, but in the back of my mind, the pain is still there.

How could he do this? After he said that I was special? That I made him happy? LIES! Niether sticky tape nor duct tape can mend what is broken inside me now.... I may be happy on the outside, and stick a stupid smile on my face and go about my daily life... but inside, I'm as hollow as the rabbit hole Alice fell in...

At a Loss for Words... or Text Messages...

After over a month of late-night calls and seemingly unlimited sugary-sweet text messages from this certain guy in my life, all of a sudden *POOF* the calls and text messages vanishes without a trace into thin air.

What's up with that? Don't go all "He's Just Not That Into You" mode! I read that book and yes, he is in one of those categories: he's 'the guy who is already in a relationship'. BOO!

Yes... yes... I know what kind of silly trap I got myself into. I fell into his charms and went blind all of a sudden. But now that I've managed to pull myself up to see the light, I know that what I did (or even about to do, most likely) was wrong... way wrong.


I can go on and on about the error of my ways, but I'd rather share the roller coaster ride of emotions I went and still am going through.

First, there was happiness in me. Who would've thought that the guy I've been best friends with and liked since we were 13 years old, would be the guy that I'd finally be able to spend more time with as "more than friends"?

Then, there was guilt. I always thought, "I'm hurting his girlfriend in the process" or "What if I were the girlfriend, how would I feel?"

Then there was nonchalance and the b*tch-attitude: "It's not my problem" or "I'm getting what I want anyway" or "sorry, 'girlfriend' but he's spending more time with me...score!"

After that, there came jealousy: "Why isn't he coming during lunch anymore?" "He's spending more time with her now!!" or "He's too busy with her now, I hate her!" or "what does she have that I don't?" and sometimes, "he's doing more stuff with her! Eww!"

Then came bitterness: "If he'd rather spend more time with her, then good riddance!" or "I'm prettier than her..."

Now there is sadness: "....how come he doesn't pick me?" "is there something wrong with me?"

But slowly, there's acceptance, hope and confidence: "I was able to live and be happy before all this happen, so I can just go back to being happy with my friends" and "If it's not meant to be, I won't force it" and "We're still friends, and if that's the way it should be between us, that that's the way it will be"

Honestly, I'm still jumping from one emotion to another. I still haven't set a firm foot on the last emotion... but it's there sometimes....

OY! the pickles I get myself into!  Thank God for good friends! I share everything with them and they are able to put a smile on my face and laughter in my heart, you know who you are! ^_^

To my bloggy friends or (Friend), thanks for taking time to read this post. You are the best !!


MUCH LOVE!

ps: have you or anyone you know ever been in this position before? What did u do or say?

Someday My Prince Will Come

Why do my days seem boring and unproductive lately? I went out during the weekend, and each time I went home, I just felt empty again.

On Saturday, I went out to grab a bite to eat and sip a cup of coffee with good company. On the way home, I had to ask my sister to stop by the nearby clinic because my bladder was about to burst (what with all the iced-tea, water and coffee that i drank!). Lucky for me, after I unloaded my bladder, I was able to talk to the handsome single doctor I've had my eye on since last year. We talked about relationships and here's what he had to say:

He said, he couldn't find the time to search for someone to start a relationship with. We told him that he shouldn't "look" for the girl who would be lucky enough to have him. We also told him that there's always one woman for every man and vice versa; the only part that's difficult is finding each other in this crazy world we live in. I heard in one game show that "you shouldn't be sad/depressed that you haven't found the one for you yet because, he, too, is sad and depressed that he hasn't found you yet".

Made me think, hmm, if I am to bump into "the one", I need to go OUTSIDE! However, I've lost all interest in going out because of certain circumstances that has rolled into a big ball of complication, depression and confusion. Somehow, even if I know I didn't start it, I get blamed for creating the big ball of confusion myself.. that I "trap" myself in it and it's up to me to break free. How can I break free when every time I try, they yank me back in?

It's my birthweek, and my only wish this year is that I find the courage (and the finances) to break free AND pull away with all my strength from their tight hold around my neck.... that, and I wish for my prince to come and save me from it all.

Who Am I?

With so many things going on in each of our lives, it's easy to lose yourself in this crazy world we live in. I have seem to be wandering around aimlessly in this journey called "life".

Who am I? I am a woman.. a teacher.. a daughter.. a sister.. a friend.. a dreamer.

What does it all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm able to call myself a lot of things, but I still don't know who I truly am and I still don't know which path to take as I come across crossroads in life.

A friend told me recently that I should think about "What is there FOR me?" as opposed to "What is it I WANT?" So, I asked her, should I leave it to fate? She answered:

"No, leave it to faith."

Faith could be a lot of things. Spiritual faith helps us gain perspective in this world full of inexplicable matters and events. Faith could also be our self-confidence, our faith in ourselves. If you believe good things will happen to you, then it will.

I wish I could listen to myself, but it's just so darn hard with everything going on. I feel the need to get away and search for myself but certain circumstances won't allow it to happen. I feel like I've strayed toward a quicksand of depression and got sucked in, half in the deep and half still seeing light.

I want to share a short poem that I personally wrote which can probably sum up the way I feel. I wrote this in my quiet office as my emotions controlled the words that my pen furiously wrote on a piece of scrap paper (this will be the VERY first time I publish one of my many poems for the public eye to see, so any comments or critiques would be deeply appreciated)


Darkness

Wandering these dark alleys
In the streets of life
I have found no one
Who could ease my strife

Lost and alone in the darkness
I have come to miss the light
Darkness envelopes me
As I fight to search for light

I'm blind in the dark
No smiles nor glee
I've forgotten happiness
But I long to see

I know there is light
Beyond the darkness, I see
A way out to the other side
In hopes of completion, I seek..

..I dream, I search, I wander..
...I wish, I hope, I could, I WILL!

-dreamer01-21-2010-

Optimism is the Key ... right??

Recently, I've been feeling completely BLAH! No other word could describe it--this feeling of uselessness or not being able to completely do--let alone KNOW--what I need to do with my life. My idle mind has been filled with negativity: I've been single for four years; I don't have a stable job; I rarely see my old friends from college; everyone's engaged or married except me and so on. It's been really hard on me as I got sucked in the darkness of loneliness and depression. However, with a little help from my closest girls, I am slowly building up my positive energy.

Taking it one day at a time really helps. Focus on "today". The past is the past and can never be lived again, so no need to dwell on it. Don't worry about the future either for the future hasn't even happened yet! Focusing on "today" helps you gain perspective on yourself. ...I know, easier said than done, right? I try to remember this as I slowly, but surely, get out of the dark, deep pit that I've dug with my own problems.

Talking to your closest friends about how you feel and pouring your heart out to them helps A LOT. I confide my feelings with my best girl friend and she helps me see a glint of positive light. Even though we are now an ocean apart and half the globe away from each other, when I tell her how I feel via chatting services or email, her encouraging words feels like she just gave me a massive hug. Sometimes, however, when I log out and go back to my bed, I feel empty again. These are the times when I try to mentally recall our conversations and our time spent together way back when we were both still studying in the same school.

Encouragement from your best buds goes a LONG way. But I have to start looking at myself and telling myself the very same positive thoughts I share with my troubled friends. Easier said than done. Really. I really hope I can get out of this dark, negative cloud I'm under and really get out in the sunshine. Even right now, I'm having a hard time trying to keep this post on a more positive light. Something inside me is screaming, "how can I possibly be able to shed a positive light on this post when I don't even have my own personal sunshine?!" My mind is torn right now. Half of it remains in the dark and half of it wants to get out towards the light.

Optimism.
Optimism.

That is my new year's resolution. Cross out all the negative thoughts as soon as they come, otherwise, they will spread like wildfire.

I am now on a quiet, personal journey toward positivity. I hope I can make it out of this dark cloud of loneliness that always try to drag me back in...