Who Am I?

With so many things going on in each of our lives, it's easy to lose yourself in this crazy world we live in. I have seem to be wandering around aimlessly in this journey called "life".

Who am I? I am a woman.. a teacher.. a daughter.. a sister.. a friend.. a dreamer.

What does it all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm able to call myself a lot of things, but I still don't know who I truly am and I still don't know which path to take as I come across crossroads in life.

A friend told me recently that I should think about "What is there FOR me?" as opposed to "What is it I WANT?" So, I asked her, should I leave it to fate? She answered:

"No, leave it to faith."

Faith could be a lot of things. Spiritual faith helps us gain perspective in this world full of inexplicable matters and events. Faith could also be our self-confidence, our faith in ourselves. If you believe good things will happen to you, then it will.

I wish I could listen to myself, but it's just so darn hard with everything going on. I feel the need to get away and search for myself but certain circumstances won't allow it to happen. I feel like I've strayed toward a quicksand of depression and got sucked in, half in the deep and half still seeing light.

I want to share a short poem that I personally wrote which can probably sum up the way I feel. I wrote this in my quiet office as my emotions controlled the words that my pen furiously wrote on a piece of scrap paper (this will be the VERY first time I publish one of my many poems for the public eye to see, so any comments or critiques would be deeply appreciated)


Darkness

Wandering these dark alleys
In the streets of life
I have found no one
Who could ease my strife

Lost and alone in the darkness
I have come to miss the light
Darkness envelopes me
As I fight to search for light

I'm blind in the dark
No smiles nor glee
I've forgotten happiness
But I long to see

I know there is light
Beyond the darkness, I see
A way out to the other side
In hopes of completion, I seek..

..I dream, I search, I wander..
...I wish, I hope, I could, I WILL!

-dreamer01-21-2010-

Optimism is the Key ... right??

Recently, I've been feeling completely BLAH! No other word could describe it--this feeling of uselessness or not being able to completely do--let alone KNOW--what I need to do with my life. My idle mind has been filled with negativity: I've been single for four years; I don't have a stable job; I rarely see my old friends from college; everyone's engaged or married except me and so on. It's been really hard on me as I got sucked in the darkness of loneliness and depression. However, with a little help from my closest girls, I am slowly building up my positive energy.

Taking it one day at a time really helps. Focus on "today". The past is the past and can never be lived again, so no need to dwell on it. Don't worry about the future either for the future hasn't even happened yet! Focusing on "today" helps you gain perspective on yourself. ...I know, easier said than done, right? I try to remember this as I slowly, but surely, get out of the dark, deep pit that I've dug with my own problems.

Talking to your closest friends about how you feel and pouring your heart out to them helps A LOT. I confide my feelings with my best girl friend and she helps me see a glint of positive light. Even though we are now an ocean apart and half the globe away from each other, when I tell her how I feel via chatting services or email, her encouraging words feels like she just gave me a massive hug. Sometimes, however, when I log out and go back to my bed, I feel empty again. These are the times when I try to mentally recall our conversations and our time spent together way back when we were both still studying in the same school.

Encouragement from your best buds goes a LONG way. But I have to start looking at myself and telling myself the very same positive thoughts I share with my troubled friends. Easier said than done. Really. I really hope I can get out of this dark, negative cloud I'm under and really get out in the sunshine. Even right now, I'm having a hard time trying to keep this post on a more positive light. Something inside me is screaming, "how can I possibly be able to shed a positive light on this post when I don't even have my own personal sunshine?!" My mind is torn right now. Half of it remains in the dark and half of it wants to get out towards the light.

Optimism.
Optimism.

That is my new year's resolution. Cross out all the negative thoughts as soon as they come, otherwise, they will spread like wildfire.

I am now on a quiet, personal journey toward positivity. I hope I can make it out of this dark cloud of loneliness that always try to drag me back in...