Roller Coaster of Life.... and Dreams

Sometimes we're up and sometimes we find ourselves going down... other times, we feel like our world has gone topsy-turvy.

Well, i think i'm in a loop now.  I've been sooo down these days, but today, after meeting my friends and taking a trip down memory lane... i feel like i'm going up to a loop now cos i know that the days that follow, i would feel miserable again.

Call this a cry for help or a cry for advice... but.... any tips on how to stay focused and keep thinking positively?

MUCH LOVE to all my bloggy friends who are always there to support me when i need it. ^_^

Who Cares?

Other people don't know
What I feel for you inside
They can't even try to fathom
The burning cessation in my heart.

Who cares about them?
They are neither you nor me
What matters most is us
What matters most is us!

She can't possibly feel
The way I feel for you
She can't give you
What I can give you

I'd give you the world
If you let me
I'd give you my heart
If you'd only accept it.

Who cares about the other guys?
Younger or older
I certainly don't
When I have you beside me

Other guys can't make me smile
The way you do
They can't make my heart beat
Faster and slower at the same time

Who cares about what other people think
When all I care about is you?
Who cares about what I feel?

...certainly, it's not you...

Impossibility

This is it...
I've fallen into something
I couldn't get myself out of.

There's no looking back
I'd be lying to myself
If I say, I'd never like you.

I might just be stuck in a coma
And dreaming this whole thing up
But my heart can't lie, I've fallen for you.

Here I go again
With unrequited love
Why do I keep punishing myself?

Falling for someone who can't be for me
Forcing something to happen
When it's an impossibility.

At night, my eyes burn
With tears of longing  to be in your arms
At night, I close my eyes and dream

Dream about the impossibility
That I could ever be for you
I hurt knowing the truth.

You push me away
Yet I keep hurting myself
Trying to hold on to the sharp end of the knife.

My demented heart, it beats for you
But you just let me be
Ignoring the fact that there could be

...a possibility...

What Is Love?

Earlier today while sitting idly at a Thai restaurant with friends and family waiting for our food to come to our table, my eyes happen to set upon an elderly couple. To some people, they may just be some random couple. But my eyes, glazed with unrequited love, saw something else.

The elderly couple was tenderly holding each others hands as the man, with the feeble steps of age, led the strikingly charming woman towards the glass doors of the restaurant. They smiled at each other when the man couldn't open the door and the waitress had to open it for them. Their eyes sparkle when they meet each other's gaze and the man softly puts his wife's small hand into both of his as they slowly walk hand in hand into the restaurant.

That, to me, is true love. Love tested by age, experiences, trials and tribulations. Love which, no matter how long they've been together, flames never die.

I tweeted about this, too. About how nothing makes my heart happier than seeing an old couple doing the smallest thing like holding hands but with a lot of love in their hearts that reflect in both their eyes.


I wish upon wish and I hope upon hope that someday, I find someone who will be with me for the rest of my life, through ups and downs, through smiles and frowns.  I want to find that special someone who will count every wrinkle and every gray hair with me and still would be able to tell me, "you're the most beautiful and special woman I've ever met".

Forgive me for being a sap, a hopeless romantic.... but right now, my eyes are glazed over with unrequited love because stupid cupid couldn't hit him with his arrow.

Going Crazy In Love

What can I do?
I've fallen for someone
Who couldn't possibly be for me.
He's there; I'm here so we can't be as one.

We're of different worlds
With different minds
And of different hearts.

But I can't help but fall
For his charms (at times)
For his smile
For his unexpected hugs and kisses

There's something about him
I couldn't quite grasp
I don't know anything about him
But I just couldn't keep my hands off him.

I get jealous when he looks at others
I get jealous when he talks about other girls
I get jealous when he wears that shirt

I don't know a single thing that runs in his brain
Yet I can't help it; I've fallen for someone
Who can't possibly be for me

...Simply because he doesn't want  me to be his...

Out of Sight, Out of Mind? ...Not Quite!

It's been three weeks since I saw him or received a text message from him. I'm beginning to wonder... was it all a dream? Did I just imagine the whole thing? Was I so caught up with my little fantasy of my relationship with my best friend since we were 13 years old blossoming into something more than just a puppy love?

Maybe...

Or maybe I've turned into Twilight's Bella Swan when she would keep having fantasies of her vampire boyfriend stopping her from doing something stupid (Twilight Saga: New Moon)...

Whatever it is, I know this is for sure: It's confusing, it's hard, it's frustrating...

My heart skipped a beat when we first started "dating"... it got bigger and tender when he said, "I love you".... but now, it's just sitting on the floor, shattered into tiny million pieces and I'm too tired to pick it up for I know that it will just be shattered once again....

So, i decided to cut my hair.... a total change... I wanted to have another cartilage ear pierce, but decided against it. A total physical change was what I needed, I thought... still didn't help....

I would heal, I know it... when? I have no clue. How? Maybe watching FIFA world cup would help and ogle over Higuain (#9 Argentina Team)... it would be a great distraction, but in the back of my mind, the pain is still there.

How could he do this? After he said that I was special? That I made him happy? LIES! Niether sticky tape nor duct tape can mend what is broken inside me now.... I may be happy on the outside, and stick a stupid smile on my face and go about my daily life... but inside, I'm as hollow as the rabbit hole Alice fell in...

At a Loss for Words... or Text Messages...

After over a month of late-night calls and seemingly unlimited sugary-sweet text messages from this certain guy in my life, all of a sudden *POOF* the calls and text messages vanishes without a trace into thin air.

What's up with that? Don't go all "He's Just Not That Into You" mode! I read that book and yes, he is in one of those categories: he's 'the guy who is already in a relationship'. BOO!

Yes... yes... I know what kind of silly trap I got myself into. I fell into his charms and went blind all of a sudden. But now that I've managed to pull myself up to see the light, I know that what I did (or even about to do, most likely) was wrong... way wrong.


I can go on and on about the error of my ways, but I'd rather share the roller coaster ride of emotions I went and still am going through.

First, there was happiness in me. Who would've thought that the guy I've been best friends with and liked since we were 13 years old, would be the guy that I'd finally be able to spend more time with as "more than friends"?

Then, there was guilt. I always thought, "I'm hurting his girlfriend in the process" or "What if I were the girlfriend, how would I feel?"

Then there was nonchalance and the b*tch-attitude: "It's not my problem" or "I'm getting what I want anyway" or "sorry, 'girlfriend' but he's spending more time with me...score!"

After that, there came jealousy: "Why isn't he coming during lunch anymore?" "He's spending more time with her now!!" or "He's too busy with her now, I hate her!" or "what does she have that I don't?" and sometimes, "he's doing more stuff with her! Eww!"

Then came bitterness: "If he'd rather spend more time with her, then good riddance!" or "I'm prettier than her..."

Now there is sadness: "....how come he doesn't pick me?" "is there something wrong with me?"

But slowly, there's acceptance, hope and confidence: "I was able to live and be happy before all this happen, so I can just go back to being happy with my friends" and "If it's not meant to be, I won't force it" and "We're still friends, and if that's the way it should be between us, that that's the way it will be"

Honestly, I'm still jumping from one emotion to another. I still haven't set a firm foot on the last emotion... but it's there sometimes....

OY! the pickles I get myself into!  Thank God for good friends! I share everything with them and they are able to put a smile on my face and laughter in my heart, you know who you are! ^_^

To my bloggy friends or (Friend), thanks for taking time to read this post. You are the best !!


MUCH LOVE!

ps: have you or anyone you know ever been in this position before? What did u do or say?

When On A Roller Coaster Ride of Life....

Life has a funny way of toying with us. Do you think that we control our lives? Or our lives control us? I have no idea, actually. What I do know is this: Life can sometimes be bittersweet...

I've been teaching English to Koreans again after my very short stint as a writer.  I always remember the old adage, "When life throws lemons at you, make yourself a lemonade".

How true! This current job of mine is a serious lemon in my life, however, my students--especially the funny and kind ones--make me glasses of lemonade each day.  One of my students cannot pronounce "bored" correctly.  One day, he complained to me.. "Teacher! I'm BOH-RED!" ^_^This 18-year old young man has a playful mind of a 6-year old (same energy, too!)

One of my younger students always tell me make-believe stories during class time. One day, he told me a story about him climbing up Mt. Everest in 2 seconds! Faster than Superman, who did it in 4 seconds, who, by the way, is also his older brother! His younger brother is Iron Man! ^_^ He's a cute, chubby 12-year old who calls me a "witch" or "skeleton" as a joke and I call him a " silly jester" (two of his new vocab words for this week) ^_^

Little things like these can put a smile on my face. As long as the students are pleasant.

In another part of my life.... I've been "seeing" this guy for more than a month now.  He's really nice and we've been friends since we were 13 years old. He was even my prom date when we were 16.  Years passed and we both went separate ways after high school.  After 11 years, we're back to hanging out with each other again--coffee, dinner, ice cream, or simply just talking about the ups and downs of life. The ultimate lemon, which is also the most sour, in my life: He has a girlfriend!

I know we can't have everything we want in life. I try to be a good girl so good things will happen to me. But try as I might, my ideal setting...my ideal world...my ideal life... will just remain that: IDEAL.

So, here's what I will incoherently ramble on: Dreamers dream... Players play... cycle of life! Ups and downs... bittersweet... lemons = a big pitcher of lemonade!

*sigh* as you can see... everything that's happening to me recently has taken a toll on my coherence. So, I'll end this post here, before i ramble you to boredom. ^_^

remember: "When life throws lemons at you, make yourself a lemonade!" YUM! ^_^

Was I IN love with you?

One of my very good girl friends just asked me... "what's the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone?"

She brought up this question when she asked me about this guy I used to date years ago. Things didn't go well between me and him and we ended up being good friends. She asked me if I loved him and if I was depressed after the "break up".

I told her, well.. I loved him but I wasn't IN love with him.

The difference, I told her, was this:

I loved him because I cared for him and I wanted his company most of the time. I loved him because he was always there for me when I needed him. I loved him because of the way he held my hand as he led me towards the cave by the beach. I loved him because he took care of me always wanted to see me happy.

I kinda knew I wasn't IN love with him because my love for him wasn't growing. It stayed the same. When we kissed, I didn't feel sparks and I didn't feel any passion no matter how torrid the kiss was. We held hands most of the time, but the only heat I could feel was the normal human body heat being exchanged and my palm was sweaty not because I was nervous or giddy with delight but because it felt naturally warm inside his warm hands. No feeling.

But I tried to be IN love with him. It didn't work. The feeling was mutual and, unfortunately, he beat me to telling the truth. He said, "I think we should just be friends". My heart hurt, naturally. The feeling of rejection pained me like a thousand arrows shot through my heart. He actually said afterwards, "You're a great girl. The world needs more people like you". (Which to this day, I still don't understand why he said that!)

I told him I wanted to be alone, and he respected me. I love him for that. It took me a week to heal. A week full of walking by the pier by myself and watching the sea lions play. A week full of coffee. A week full of train rides going particularly nowhere then coming back home.

A week later, he asked me out for dinner. I accepted graciously. We talked as friends. I love him for this. He talked about the other girls he dated and I talked about the boys I dated. We laughed. I love him for this. We both knew that we were great as friends and that's how it will always be. We had our moment, at least we tried. I love him for that.

I love him as my best guy friend and I will cherish the memories we had, both good and bad. I can really say, I love him but I'm not IN love with him and I know it goes both ways.

"Children of the Revolution"

Before I start writing this post, for those who follow me and read my posts, I think you would also enjoy this blog Check it out! She is one blogger who has the uncanny ability to share her insights with the world ^_^

Back to me... I've still been feeling down these days. Last night, I watched my favorite movie, "Moulin Rouge" (2001). It always reminds me that, in this world, we have to believe in beauty, freedom, truth and above all things, we must believe in love..

Earlier today, one of my adult students (a mom) asked me,

"when are you getting married?".

This is one question that has been haunting me since I came back to my home country. Frankly, I don't know what to say. At first, I thought it was funny and just walked away with a smile on my face. However, after almost 4 years of being single, I don't find any humor in it at all. It pains me, though i don't show it, every single time they ask me,

"how come you don't have a boyfriend?" or
"why aren't you married yet?".

It pains me, then it irritates the hell out of me. I usually respond with,
"If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be single right now"

Every time I feel down in the dumps, at the end of the day, I go up to my room, pop Moulin Rouge in my dvd player and watch it. I could literally say the lines and sing the songs with them. I know it has a tragic ending, but the love between Christian (Ewan McGregor) and Satine (Nicole Kidman) is beyond description. It's a love that goes deeper than the word itself. A love that goes beyond the limits of this world.

And that's what I believe in.

Call me a hopeless romantic (or just hopeless) but LOVE is the only thing I hold on to. Yes, it's one of the causes of my cycles of depression, but when I'm out of my funk, I remember that if I believe in LOVE, I can get through anything. No wonder it's my favorite movie of all time.

LOVE is out there for me.
LOVE is what keeps me alive.
LOVE is not just from a boyfriend or a husband,
LOVE comes from your friends, family and even pets
LOVE is everywhere you look.

There's this elderly couple I always see around the park who is always together. They are already in their wheelchairs and are being pushed by their nurses--a male nurse for the elderly gentleman and a female nurse for the elderly, yet beautiful, lady. They don't talk to each other or at least I don't see them do, they can't hold hands anymore, even. Nevertheless, the way they look at each other while their nurses wheel them slowly around the park and stop only to eat their packed snacks or watch kids play soccer, their eyes are written with LOVE all over.

I won't lie... I am still DREAMING that the perfect guy for me would come out of nowhere, sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to happiness.

Yes, I am a DREAMER... a hopeless romantic...

Happy month of love, everyone!! hope yours is filled with special love with your family, friends and of course your significant others!! ^_^

I hope I find mine soon because I'm not getting any younger!

As the "Children of the Revolution" in Moulin Rouge said, "Believe in beauty, freedom, truth and love"