Who Am I?

With so many things going on in each of our lives, it's easy to lose yourself in this crazy world we live in. I have seem to be wandering around aimlessly in this journey called "life".

Who am I? I am a woman.. a teacher.. a daughter.. a sister.. a friend.. a dreamer.

What does it all mean? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm able to call myself a lot of things, but I still don't know who I truly am and I still don't know which path to take as I come across crossroads in life.

A friend told me recently that I should think about "What is there FOR me?" as opposed to "What is it I WANT?" So, I asked her, should I leave it to fate? She answered:

"No, leave it to faith."

Faith could be a lot of things. Spiritual faith helps us gain perspective in this world full of inexplicable matters and events. Faith could also be our self-confidence, our faith in ourselves. If you believe good things will happen to you, then it will.

I wish I could listen to myself, but it's just so darn hard with everything going on. I feel the need to get away and search for myself but certain circumstances won't allow it to happen. I feel like I've strayed toward a quicksand of depression and got sucked in, half in the deep and half still seeing light.

I want to share a short poem that I personally wrote which can probably sum up the way I feel. I wrote this in my quiet office as my emotions controlled the words that my pen furiously wrote on a piece of scrap paper (this will be the VERY first time I publish one of my many poems for the public eye to see, so any comments or critiques would be deeply appreciated)


Darkness

Wandering these dark alleys
In the streets of life
I have found no one
Who could ease my strife

Lost and alone in the darkness
I have come to miss the light
Darkness envelopes me
As I fight to search for light

I'm blind in the dark
No smiles nor glee
I've forgotten happiness
But I long to see

I know there is light
Beyond the darkness, I see
A way out to the other side
In hopes of completion, I seek..

..I dream, I search, I wander..
...I wish, I hope, I could, I WILL!

-dreamer01-21-2010-

Optimism is the Key ... right??

Recently, I've been feeling completely BLAH! No other word could describe it--this feeling of uselessness or not being able to completely do--let alone KNOW--what I need to do with my life. My idle mind has been filled with negativity: I've been single for four years; I don't have a stable job; I rarely see my old friends from college; everyone's engaged or married except me and so on. It's been really hard on me as I got sucked in the darkness of loneliness and depression. However, with a little help from my closest girls, I am slowly building up my positive energy.

Taking it one day at a time really helps. Focus on "today". The past is the past and can never be lived again, so no need to dwell on it. Don't worry about the future either for the future hasn't even happened yet! Focusing on "today" helps you gain perspective on yourself. ...I know, easier said than done, right? I try to remember this as I slowly, but surely, get out of the dark, deep pit that I've dug with my own problems.

Talking to your closest friends about how you feel and pouring your heart out to them helps A LOT. I confide my feelings with my best girl friend and she helps me see a glint of positive light. Even though we are now an ocean apart and half the globe away from each other, when I tell her how I feel via chatting services or email, her encouraging words feels like she just gave me a massive hug. Sometimes, however, when I log out and go back to my bed, I feel empty again. These are the times when I try to mentally recall our conversations and our time spent together way back when we were both still studying in the same school.

Encouragement from your best buds goes a LONG way. But I have to start looking at myself and telling myself the very same positive thoughts I share with my troubled friends. Easier said than done. Really. I really hope I can get out of this dark, negative cloud I'm under and really get out in the sunshine. Even right now, I'm having a hard time trying to keep this post on a more positive light. Something inside me is screaming, "how can I possibly be able to shed a positive light on this post when I don't even have my own personal sunshine?!" My mind is torn right now. Half of it remains in the dark and half of it wants to get out towards the light.

Optimism.
Optimism.

That is my new year's resolution. Cross out all the negative thoughts as soon as they come, otherwise, they will spread like wildfire.

I am now on a quiet, personal journey toward positivity. I hope I can make it out of this dark cloud of loneliness that always try to drag me back in...

Smile and the World Smiles Back

It's true! I repeat this phrase in my head over and over again. Everyday, I try to put it into action. Sometimes, I feel like coming up to a random person and greet him/her like I've known him/her for years! But, my shyness takes over and besides, strangers aren't taken lightly in this world anymore! SO, I just try to offer simple phrases, and simple smiles and see how they would react. Most of the time, I get a smile back, but there are times when my smile goes unnoticed. Here are a few instances (good and bad):


~~ A week ago, I went to a well-known pharmacy and bought some vitamins. The clerk who assisted me looked like she hasn't slept in a week! She looked tired and moody. A bad combination right before the new year rang in! She assisted me and got me what I needed. When she handed me my change, I gave her a huge smile and said, "Thanks! Have a happy new year!" Guess what, I saw her face light up and a smile crept up her face like it was itching to come out the whole day and she replied back with a "Happy new year, too, ma'am!"

~~On new year's eve, I went along with a friend to the gas station to have her car filled up, there were gas boys scrambling around and telling each other how they don't get any vacation since they work at a gas station but all the gas boys seemed happily joking around. The security guard working there, however, seemed just the opposite: he seemed sullen. I thought, "hm, he's a good target for "'smile and the world smiles back!' challenge". So, as he stood on my side of the car, he assisted my friend driving out of the gas station and I waved at him and yelled, "happy new year!" before i closed my window. Unfortunately, he remained as sad as before. Not even an inch of a smile...

~~A few weeks ago, at our favorite coffee shop, I opened the door for an elderly man as I was going out. He actually wanted ME to go out first! But that meant, that the door would close behind me and he looked a little frail to be opening a door by himself. I insisted that he came in first. He gave me a huge smile and the most sincere "thank you" i've ever received in the longest time! I couldn't help but smile at him and say, "No problem, have a good day!"


Simple things.. Simple gestures... but they mean a lot! I urge you to take the challenge!!

"SMILE AND THE WORLD SMILES BACK!"

see how many smiles you get back! you may even be surprised yourself. Don't get discouraged when you don't get a smile back, though! Then, tell me all about it! Post it as a comment or email me your story at the email address posted on the sidebar. ^_^