It's been three weeks since I saw him or received a text message from him. I'm beginning to wonder... was it all a dream? Did I just imagine the whole thing? Was I so caught up with my little fantasy of my relationship with my best friend since we were 13 years old blossoming into something more than just a puppy love?
Maybe...
Or maybe I've turned into Twilight's Bella Swan when she would keep having fantasies of her vampire boyfriend stopping her from doing something stupid (Twilight Saga: New Moon)...
Whatever it is, I know this is for sure: It's confusing, it's hard, it's frustrating...
My heart skipped a beat when we first started "dating"... it got bigger and tender when he said, "I love you".... but now, it's just sitting on the floor, shattered into tiny million pieces and I'm too tired to pick it up for I know that it will just be shattered once again....
So, i decided to cut my hair.... a total change... I wanted to have another cartilage ear pierce, but decided against it. A total physical change was what I needed, I thought... still didn't help....
I would heal, I know it... when? I have no clue. How? Maybe watching FIFA world cup would help and ogle over Higuain (#9 Argentina Team)... it would be a great distraction, but in the back of my mind, the pain is still there.
How could he do this? After he said that I was special? That I made him happy? LIES! Niether sticky tape nor duct tape can mend what is broken inside me now.... I may be happy on the outside, and stick a stupid smile on my face and go about my daily life... but inside, I'm as hollow as the rabbit hole Alice fell in...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
At a Loss for Words... or Text Messages...
After over a month of late-night calls and seemingly unlimited sugary-sweet text messages from this certain guy in my life, all of a sudden *POOF* the calls and text messages vanishes without a trace into thin air.
What's up with that? Don't go all "He's Just Not That Into You" mode! I read that book and yes, he is in one of those categories: he's 'the guy who is already in a relationship'. BOO!
Yes... yes... I know what kind of silly trap I got myself into. I fell into his charms and went blind all of a sudden. But now that I've managed to pull myself up to see the light, I know that what I did (or even about to do, most likely) was wrong... way wrong.
I can go on and on about the error of my ways, but I'd rather share the roller coaster ride of emotions I went and still am going through.
First, there was happiness in me. Who would've thought that the guy I've been best friends with and liked since we were 13 years old, would be the guy that I'd finally be able to spend more time with as "more than friends"?
Then, there was guilt. I always thought, "I'm hurting his girlfriend in the process" or "What if I were the girlfriend, how would I feel?"
Then there was nonchalance and the b*tch-attitude: "It's not my problem" or "I'm getting what I want anyway" or "sorry, 'girlfriend' but he's spending more time with me...score!"
After that, there came jealousy: "Why isn't he coming during lunch anymore?" "He's spending more time with her now!!" or "He's too busy with her now, I hate her!" or "what does she have that I don't?" and sometimes, "he's doing more stuff with her! Eww!"
Then came bitterness: "If he'd rather spend more time with her, then good riddance!" or "I'm prettier than her..."
Now there is sadness: "....how come he doesn't pick me?" "is there something wrong with me?"
But slowly, there's acceptance, hope and confidence: "I was able to live and be happy before all this happen, so I can just go back to being happy with my friends" and "If it's not meant to be, I won't force it" and "We're still friends, and if that's the way it should be between us, that that's the way it will be"
Honestly, I'm still jumping from one emotion to another. I still haven't set a firm foot on the last emotion... but it's there sometimes....
OY! the pickles I get myself into! Thank God for good friends! I share everything with them and they are able to put a smile on my face and laughter in my heart, you know who you are! ^_^
To my bloggy friends or (Friend), thanks for taking time to read this post. You are the best !!
MUCH LOVE!
ps: have you or anyone you know ever been in this position before? What did u do or say?
What's up with that? Don't go all "He's Just Not That Into You" mode! I read that book and yes, he is in one of those categories: he's 'the guy who is already in a relationship'. BOO!
Yes... yes... I know what kind of silly trap I got myself into. I fell into his charms and went blind all of a sudden. But now that I've managed to pull myself up to see the light, I know that what I did (or even about to do, most likely) was wrong... way wrong.
I can go on and on about the error of my ways, but I'd rather share the roller coaster ride of emotions I went and still am going through.
First, there was happiness in me. Who would've thought that the guy I've been best friends with and liked since we were 13 years old, would be the guy that I'd finally be able to spend more time with as "more than friends"?
Then, there was guilt. I always thought, "I'm hurting his girlfriend in the process" or "What if I were the girlfriend, how would I feel?"
Then there was nonchalance and the b*tch-attitude: "It's not my problem" or "I'm getting what I want anyway" or "sorry, 'girlfriend' but he's spending more time with me...score!"
After that, there came jealousy: "Why isn't he coming during lunch anymore?" "He's spending more time with her now!!" or "He's too busy with her now, I hate her!" or "what does she have that I don't?" and sometimes, "he's doing more stuff with her! Eww!"
Then came bitterness: "If he'd rather spend more time with her, then good riddance!" or "I'm prettier than her..."
Now there is sadness: "....how come he doesn't pick me?" "is there something wrong with me?"
But slowly, there's acceptance, hope and confidence: "I was able to live and be happy before all this happen, so I can just go back to being happy with my friends" and "If it's not meant to be, I won't force it" and "We're still friends, and if that's the way it should be between us, that that's the way it will be"
Honestly, I'm still jumping from one emotion to another. I still haven't set a firm foot on the last emotion... but it's there sometimes....
OY! the pickles I get myself into! Thank God for good friends! I share everything with them and they are able to put a smile on my face and laughter in my heart, you know who you are! ^_^
To my bloggy friends or (Friend), thanks for taking time to read this post. You are the best !!
MUCH LOVE!
ps: have you or anyone you know ever been in this position before? What did u do or say?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Life: A Written Essay
I saw this quote on Bob Ong's Twitter page. Bob Ong is a Filipino author who is witty and sensible.
"hindi pala exam na may passing rate ang buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification... kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw." - Bob Ong
Translation: Life is not an exam with a passing rate. It's not a multiple choice exam or identification exam... instead, it is an essay that is written everyday."
This is SO true. Life IS an essay exam that is written everyday. We write our lives, make mistakes, revise it, and continue to write it. We don't know what our conclusion will be... yet. However, all of us are the writers of our lives. Some intertwined, like two stories meshed together in one. Sometimes we don't know it, but we have the same story as another person.
We, as the writers of our lives, try to make it as colorful, lively and interesting as much as we can. Moreover, like a good essay... we want to share our stories to other people, and they in turn, love to listen to our lives--no matter how full of bursts of laughter or sadness, they are all colorful lives.
I am still feeling a little bit miserable about everything that's going on (well.. NOT going on) in my life. However, I try to pull myself out of this depression pit by reflecting on life.
Yes, I do believe I'm feeling existential right now.... Think about your life, too. Isn't it a story waiting to be told..shared? I guess that's why we have blogs, huh? ^_^ I'm currently trying to write a short story based on a tiny part of my life.... and this involves a certain guy! hmmm?? ^_^
Bob Ong... if, by chance, you're reading this.... that one quote of yours definitely made me reflect on what I'm writing in (or for) my life these days. Bakit ba kasi napaka hirap ng buhay at mag hanap buhay dito sa atin? At bakit ba napakahirap ng public transportation natin? Ang labo!
Dare I translate what i said? Ok.... I just said, "Why is life and work so hard in our country? And why is our public transportation so difficult? It's weird." <--That's what I said.
Yes, I am a Filipina... Damn proud to be one, too. What with all the corruption and pollution we have here, Filipinos still find a way to smile and laugh at everything that's going on. It's almost our Independence Day, the day we celebrate our independence from the Spanish regime (which by the way greatly influenced us).
Life.... is a mystery
Life.... is a challenge
Life.... is complicated
Life.... is fun when lived to the fullest.
So, let's all write and live our life essays to the fullest~!!
Thanks to all my bloggy friends for all the support you give me, especially during my down moments.
"hindi pala exam na may passing rate ang buhay. Hindi ito multiple choice, identification... kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw." - Bob Ong
Translation: Life is not an exam with a passing rate. It's not a multiple choice exam or identification exam... instead, it is an essay that is written everyday."
This is SO true. Life IS an essay exam that is written everyday. We write our lives, make mistakes, revise it, and continue to write it. We don't know what our conclusion will be... yet. However, all of us are the writers of our lives. Some intertwined, like two stories meshed together in one. Sometimes we don't know it, but we have the same story as another person.
We, as the writers of our lives, try to make it as colorful, lively and interesting as much as we can. Moreover, like a good essay... we want to share our stories to other people, and they in turn, love to listen to our lives--no matter how full of bursts of laughter or sadness, they are all colorful lives.
I am still feeling a little bit miserable about everything that's going on (well.. NOT going on) in my life. However, I try to pull myself out of this depression pit by reflecting on life.
Yes, I do believe I'm feeling existential right now.... Think about your life, too. Isn't it a story waiting to be told..shared? I guess that's why we have blogs, huh? ^_^ I'm currently trying to write a short story based on a tiny part of my life.... and this involves a certain guy! hmmm?? ^_^
Bob Ong... if, by chance, you're reading this.... that one quote of yours definitely made me reflect on what I'm writing in (or for) my life these days. Bakit ba kasi napaka hirap ng buhay at mag hanap buhay dito sa atin? At bakit ba napakahirap ng public transportation natin? Ang labo!
Dare I translate what i said? Ok.... I just said, "Why is life and work so hard in our country? And why is our public transportation so difficult? It's weird." <--That's what I said.
Yes, I am a Filipina... Damn proud to be one, too. What with all the corruption and pollution we have here, Filipinos still find a way to smile and laugh at everything that's going on. It's almost our Independence Day, the day we celebrate our independence from the Spanish regime (which by the way greatly influenced us).
Life.... is a mystery
Life.... is a challenge
Life.... is complicated
Life.... is fun when lived to the fullest.
So, let's all write and live our life essays to the fullest~!!
Thanks to all my bloggy friends for all the support you give me, especially during my down moments.
MUCH LOVE!
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